Another Post with Thoughts and Stuff

Anxiety sucks, and of course those who don’t have it either hear horror stories or wayward people “overreacting” about their issues. I’ve had it long enough to know that it sucks. I can go weeks, sometimes even months without a giant panic attack, while there are days where the littlest things set off the biggest panic attack. breathing gets harder, cant/wont move or constant moving to try to escape what’s causing it. and sometimes it can be as simple as a text message from the past. or seeing someone who looks like an ex or a person who made your life hell. and sometimes its that living in constant fear that you are annoying someone or being to clingy or just overreacting. the constant fear that you are just a complete fuck up and those thoughts and fears don’t go away and it pulls you in deeper and deeper till you shut yourself away, hide yourself from the ones you love, or put on a face and pretend that everything is ok.

And there’s a problem with that. you can only do that for so long before you go mentally insane or start lashing out, sometimes even both. little things start to irritate you or make things worse, so you start snapping at people or just always look pissed off and be pissed off… you slowly make yourself seem crazy and believe that you are. which makes it worse.

depression is really no better, minus the whole anxiety attacks. it makes you feel down. like you’re not good enough for something so you don’t even try. sometimes you feel like people are just there because the pity you, not because they actually like having you around. example: I had a party the week before Christmas an I’m sitting and looking at the 8 people who showed up (versus the like 20 or so I invited) and was thinking they were just there because of the kinda free booze and food and they had nothing better to do on a Saturday night…. but at the end of the night I was glad that they all were there and what not. but then I was kinda upset that everyone I invited didn’t show up but I understand that people had work and what not…. but I couldn’t help but feel like I was the reason they didn’t come, like they didn’t like me…. you get that fear that no one likes you or that you are a worthless piece of garbage.

But anyway that’s my soap box for a few weeks I guess…. or whatever. have a happy whatever doesn’t offend you and If I don’t post anything in the next weeks see you next year

 

Believe in your strength ❤

Becca H.

 

Open Letter to my Past

To the ones of my past

It’s been a while hasn’t it? Sorry not sorry for not keeping in touch with you like we said we would… but really it’s hard to “just be friends” with someone you gave your time and attention with. And honestly, you became a douche bag; I didn’t understand what I did to deserve that kind of treatment after we broke up. I’m sorry if my family had some influence on our relationship or us remaining friends or not. After a while I realized that they can be a little psychotic…. And I apologize that my actions during the relationship and after may not have been the best….

If we were to meet again, which gods hoping that doesn’t happen, you would see that I have grown up. Actually and truly, you might not agree that it’s that easy, but it is for me. ihave let go of my past, for the most part that’s why I am writing this. Yes I am a little “salty”, so to say, about how it ended and our actions following the breakup. I don’t know if you would be happy to hear this or not but I have done a lot and I feel like I am finally successful in my academic life, I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life. And how I’m going to get there… I feel like I’m finally happy, happy and accomplished. And this is the part where I tell you I found someone who makes me feel completely happy and that I think he’s the one… but really I thought the same thing about you… I didn’t realize how wrong I was. The shitty treatment was on both sides of our relationship, between the lies and the cheating, to the borderline physical abuse. I stayed loyal, so I ask this simple question. Why couldn’t you…. Did I really bore you that much that you had to find someone else to entertain you?

And honestly im glad you found someone… I’m not thrilled about the age…. But at least you’re not going to jail because she’s illegally young. But whatever I guess that’s someone else you can manipulate like you did me… anyway…. I hope she makes you grow as a person and helps you out with any and all needs that you may have.

When I have seen you at my work did you see me? Do you even recognize me anymore? Or do you just ignore me and hope I don’t see you? I had a lot of panic attacks when I would see you at my job…. I don’t know why… maybe because I remember all the memories I’ve repressed. All the ones that made me happy or all the ones that make me question why I ever dated you for as long as I did. I don’t know. My vision blurs my heart races I can’t seem to function… but thanks to my therapist and my life experiences I have learned how to not have a full mental breakdown and how to calm myself .. Which helps…..

All and all I hope all is well and I hope you and your family are doing alright… if you need it I am still here for you… just apologies in advance if I am snarky or ignore you or be a giant bitch. I’m not expecting you to actually reach out to me….

This is my last goodbye, the final thought that I shouldn’t even give you because of how it all played out.

Becca H ❤less-than-inspiring-wallpapers-2-2

Thoughts from Ginger

So I’ve been thinking a lot recently, I know dangerous right? and I’ve come to the conclusion that no one in our fucked up society will ever be truly happy. Yes one can argue that there are people out there who are truly happy, but I mean more of a whole. For example, the recent election (I can feel your eyeroll) no one was really happy with either canidate, no matter who won someone would get pissed off and protest or riot even, and then spew their views all over social media because that’s where we all air out our dirty laundry… and then everyone either disagrees or agrees and then there’s a giant argument that breaks out then that causes more problems. Then there’s those who want to be “natural” and not wear a lot of make up, when you make yourself feel good and think you look good society is right there waiting to tear you down and make you feel like a “painted whore” and then when you actually go natural people say that its “false advertising” and some other bullshit like that. No one is truly happy about anything. we all get pissed about something no matter how big or little. whether is something on social media or not. we can’t sit and sensor everything and make everyone happy. it just doesn’t work. we can’t please everyone.

Social media is another, I wouldn’t say issue, but it can be a problem. my best friend who I love to pieces, recently stopped using ALL social media. I mean all of it, facebook, snapchat, insagram, you name it she got rid of it. and I love her for that. we all spend our time staring at our phones, and we don’t realize the true beauty around us. and what its turning into. Statistically people spend 40 min on social media, we are all guilty of doing this, I know it. some people get so caught up on making sure they don’t post so much so their followers don’t get annoyed, or making sure there stories aren’t super long, or making sure you Instagram every time you sit in front of food. It gets to the point where we should put our phones down and talk to those we have been dying to see for so long, like a friend that you haven’t seen because your schedules don’t match up, or a grandmother who actually made an effort to drive 45 minutes to see you and see your new house. Time to put it away people… enjoy life face to face not behind a phone screen, now I’m not saying delete social media and what not, just don’t stare at it, enjoy the world around you. its ok to take a few photos. don’t get me wrong. We have been so dependent on these little light up bricks we call phones that we have lost sight of our future as a society, and what our earth is coming to. wake up and smell the roses, don’t tweet about it. the world wont stop because you didn’t post that you’re going to the same restaurant you were at 2 days ago with the same people as last time.

With those said I have decided on a lot of thing. many of which will help me figure out who is really there for me and who is just a fake bitch. I have had enough of being lied to, cheated on, stabbed in the back, talked about and worrying about it. I’ve decided I’m going to say it like it is, be more blunt, less filtered, to a certain extent I know it would bite me in the ass.. so maybe not 100% unfiltered, I know when I need to be nice. and I will be, but I’m NOT going to fake it anymore. fuck everyone, fuck fake people. I am so done with the drama, if I knew being an adult would be like being in high school I wouldn’t of tired so hard to get out of there.  everyone is worried about self image, at this point I will only do stuff if I think it looks good or if I want to do it. not because its the latest trend. but because I think it’s fun and exciting.

With that I have been focusing a lot on my school and work life. I got a new job thank Christ (or really whatever is up there) which is a lot more relaxed so that’s amazing. my life is getting better. With my health issues, that I think I have mentioned in my previous posts, I have still managed to keep a positive out look about it. although, all these stupid tests haven’t given me ANY answers. they have thrown me on a shit ton of supplements which seem to help but I am terrible at taking pills so they aren’t doing much. but whatever. As far as this blog goes. I’m sorry that i haven’t been posting. this was actually supposed to go up a few days ago but when I went to do it my mind completely blanked.

Thank you all for your support and the likes I get here and there. see you soon

Believe in your strength ❤
Becca H.

 

Little thing called trust

Trusting someone can be a difficult thing, sometimes its easy, other times its hard and you cant muster up the courage to trust someone in fear that you will get hurt again… I can honestly say I have trust issues. I’ve had them since my first real relationship…. it lasted about 4 years and something snapped around year 3 where I didn’t trust him as much anymore…. but I stayed with him… you are probably thinking “why?”… and that’s honestly because I still loved him. or at least I thought I did.. I did digging and found some things that made me not trust him as much, but I was hoping I was misinterpreting it and I was just going crazy. then another year past and we parted ways.

It’s hard to trust someone even when you have reason not to. but when you don’t believe someone you become the bitch and it makes things harder…. it took me six solid months to fully trust someone after that. he literally gave me no reason not to trust him. I was just to insecure and scared. he had a lot more girl friends I got jealous. then when I finally trusted him I believed anything and everything…. even after we broke up, I still believed him and trusted him…. then I found the sick truth, that since the moment we broke up he had been lying to me… acting like he was single and alone when really he was dating someone not even 3 weeks after we broke up.. and with someone way younger…. of course I found out from her because I was her friend..

It just goes to show you that trust is blind. you don’t realize that you’re being lied to until its to late.. once you find out about the lies and the way he  “didn’t want to cause drama” it makes you question every single thing he has ever told you… you begin to believe that everything he told you was a lie. you feel completely and utterly stupid until you cant take it anymore. I remember the moment I found out. I literally crawled into bed shaking and feeling like I was going to vomit and many other things until I called my boyfriend, I’ve mentioned him before. I felt so bad about talking about my past but it was like 3am and I knew he was awake. oddly enough he made everything better without really even trying. We started talking about everything and nothing all at the same time it made me feel 100% better… I still felt kind of dumb but really it didn’t happen I wouldn’t know how strong my feelings for this man are….

anyway have a good rest of you’re week. that’s my little rant for the next few weeks.

Believe in your strength ❤

Becca.

 

Fluff You, You Fluffing Fluff

Do you ever get that day, or maybe even week where you feel like nothing is going right? Like everything in this world is shit and no matter how hard you try you keep getting buried under it. You sit and think that you cant do anything right and you just are complete fuck up and the world would be better off without you…. Usually how it goes right? yeah pretty much.. haha  and during these days you are moody and emotional and you just want affection from those you love but you know if you get it you will just get annoyed and want nothing to do with them. You want to be secluded but you know that that is no way for anyone to live.

Just a swill of emotion and pain. You get in this sick rut and everything pisses you off and no amount of time off or days off will make it any better…. Plus on top of that you are getting sick and your boyfriend is trying to make you feel better and you love it and appreciate it but you really don’t want it. You’re mind and feelings are making you second guess anything and everything until  you want to scream your head off. And sometimes it gets worse because all the wrong people message you constantly and it gets to the point where you want to throw your phone or tell them to honestly fuck off because you’re sick of the pity party or the constant texting even though you rarely ever reply.. I’m such a bitch I swear.

Anyway, you feel like you’re grasping at straws hoping that something will make you feel again. something will pull you out of this bottomless pit that you thrust yourself in time and time again. All you really want to do is escape but you honestly don’t have time for that. because school and work and you’re so called “social life” consume you and you just need a break. The constant nagging of everyone and everything is slowly but surly driving you completely insane. And you know the stress is consuming you and is taking control of you’re actions. so what do you do? Put on that fake smile you know how to do all to well and hope and pray that someone doesn’t start pressing buttons and cause you to explode. Because when that happens you become the bitch. Even though you warned them plenty-a-good time that shit will hit the fan if they keep pushing. But do they listen? Never… Holy hell do they not listen. Then wonder why you are yelling and screaming at them. But no, no matter what it’s still your fault. and you sit and crave their approval so you take the blame and apologize *eye roll* when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.. really… Honest to goodness… I mean yes you shouldn’t of screamed at them… but like I said, you warned the bastard that tried to be funny. so honesty they can sick it cuz there is nothing wrong with you expressing your feelings.

But honestly its been a shit week and I just want it to be over but its not going to be because I never actually have a day off… its a constant slur of work and school and you never have a day where you can shut down and not have to do or think about anything at all.. but of course not… why would you need one of those. fuck. well I’m still kicking and breathing so I’m sure that this will pass… I’ve been having a lot of health issues so I’ve been stupid worried about that…. and I’ve had more tests then I would like done and they still don’t know what the fack is going on… ugh. but whatever.

You all have a good week or what-have you. sleep tight and don’t take shit from anyone… unless its your boss or they pay you.

Believe in your strength ❤

Becca H.

 

Random book writings

Seeing that I haven’t posted in about 2 weeks…. and I sometimes write stories/books in my spare time, I decided to put it on here and see what you peoples think

“I remember feeling cold… it was dark I couldn’t move much, but I could breath just fine, it felt familiar like I’ve been here before. I was comfortable but scared… not scared enough to scream or try to break my way out. I remember being alone, only hearing my heartbeat… being left alone to my thoughts… as soon as I realized that I could hear my heart start pounding and my body felt like it was seizing or something…” she paused, feeling like she was going to cry.
 The therapist reached her hand across the table and placed her hand and her patient.”It’s ok Casiana, if you don’t want to keep going that’s fine”  she paused for a brief moment, moving her hand away, ” you’ve made progress, I must say, I think over the past 2 years of seeing me you have gotten a lot better”
Casiana looked up from her hands and smiled, “Thanks Miss Slater. I have been feeling a lot better, I can’t believe it’s been 2 years…” she hesitated, reaching for her forearm. ” I can finally wear shorter sleeve shirts without worrying about people asking” she flashes the faded pink scars going from her elbow down to about three quarters down her forearm.
“Please Casiana, call me Jamie,” she smiled softly. “And that’s amazing… now if you don’t mind me asking…. is there any other scars anywhere else” she sighed quietly, that question has been pestering her for 2 years, she’s read Casiana’s file but wanted to hear it from her herself. Casiana quickly pulled her arm toward her and pulled down her sleeve a little, Jamie could tell she was hesitant and sat quietly for a few moments.
Casiana tensed up, avoiding eye contact, she knew this question was coming but she didn’t know when, or even how to answer it, after what seemed like hours she relaxed little and sighed deeply… “do…. do you want to see…” she said reluctantly, it was better showing than telling her.
“Only if you’re comfortable with it, you don’t have to.” Jamie said with a soft smile, not knowing what to expect.
Casiana stood up slowly avoiding eye contact at all cost, she walked away from the chair that she was all too familiar with and stood in the open space in the office. She looked around briefly, pulling at her shirt nervously…. she lifts up her shirt slightly showing the scar starting at the left of her belly button going diagonally across and disappearing under her pants. She takes off her shirt, exposing her body. There are a few more, smaller scars across her chest, not as large or as deep as the ones on her stomach and arm. She starts to undo her pants. Stopping to look up at Jamie, who is watching cautiously, Casiana noticed that she isn’t looking at her body, or the marks that it is riddled with. But at her face, watching her expressions waiting to step in and tell her to stop, waiting to see if she’s uncomfortable. She continues undoing her pants, and pulls them down slightly… about mid thigh, the scar continues down to there and stops just below the seam of her underwear. She turns around and shows Jamie her back… Jamie gasps a little as she sees the big scar across her back with a shorter yet deeper scar across her lower back making an ‘X’ across her lower back. Casiana quickly turns around and pulls up her pants.
“I’m so sorry Casiana” Jamie says realizing her reaction. ” I just didn’t realize…” she paused trying to find the right words… she feels a hand on her shoulder, she looks up and sees Casiana over her smiling.
“It’s alright Miss…. I mean Jamie… I knew the consequences of showing you… trust me I’ve had worse reactions..” she had a reassuring tone in her voice which shocked both of them, “It’s ok if you don’t know what to say next, it’s always hard to think of something when you’ve seen it… trust me. I see it every day and it still haunts me” she retreated back to her chair. She sat there quietly and waited for Jamie to respond
After a long pause she finally spoke, breaking the silence “I think you have made amazing progress. I really am glad you decided to stay with me even after they told you didn’t have to…. is there anything else you would like to share?” Jamie said quietly, she had so many questions but didn’t want to pester.
Casiana quietly shook her head, “Thank you for being an amazing therapist, I feel like I can trust you and feel like you don’t judge me like everyone else does. it’s a sigh of relief when I can tell someone my past and not have them harshly judge me even though it wasn’t my fault…” she looked away and started to tear up… she then sat quietly quickly whipping the tears away..
“Well you can stay with me as long as you want  …I don’t have any other appointments… so I’m all yours…” she laughed to herself and watched Casiana passively… trying not to stare she wants to do more but she can only do so much… she sits helplessly watching her next move…
Casiana slowly gets up and collects her belongings…she smiles and Jamie can see that she is preparing herself for the scary world out there…. she holds her head up high.. Like she has for the last few years and starts to head out… she stops before she opens the door… and looks at Jamie “same time next week?” Jamie smiles and nods, they enjoyed each other’s company… and Jamie made sure her Thursday nights after Casiana’s appointment were clear… just in case… Casiana opens the door and walks out with her mask on… making it seem like nothing is wrong…. just like she has for the last few years….

Becca H. ❤

Late Night Mentality

Do you ever get that empty pain; Where you don’t know what’s going on. It hits you out of nowhere and it lingers for minutes, hours, days. And after a while you start feeling emptier, sick, upset, like you have a giant lump in your throat like you’re going to start crying your eyes out, and the anxiety of crying your eyes out in public. the fear that someone will see the pain that is in your eyes and ask if you’re ok… especially when you don’t even know if you’re ok…. so you put on your mask, make your voice a few notes higher to sound happy and look happy so everyone believes you’re ok… when really you feel like you’re just a shell of who you are. You feel like you’re drowning in a pit of your own insecurities and thoughts and you breath and grab on to those who stay and deal with your mess and hope they don’t leave you. You stare at them with amazement when they still want to keep you even after you’ve showed them a glimpse of what is really going on in your head… but then you feel bad. Like they are going to use it against you and tear you down and leave you…. so you shut them out… in a pit of depression. Saying you need to be alone.

Sitting in the corner blaring whatever music helps you feel a little bit again and you look down to see one of your favorite pocket knife’s open in front of you… you’re body is screaming telling you not to… but your mind says why not feel the pain… feel something… know you’re still alive… do it. Just a little. so you take it… and just hold it… remembering the last time you used it and how you not following box cutter safety caused you to have a little cut on your leg… then for that split second you remember. Why haven’t you done this before? Why haven’t you given into this before? Flashes of your friends and loved ones pass through your head. You grab your head and start sobbing wanting this pain to stop. Hoping wishing praying that you can feel whole again, you hear your phone ting and make other noises. You lift yourself up and look. It’s him…. there’s a slight smile. you want him to run… but you don’t… you hate the fact that you get like this and you hate the thought of him seeing you get this depressed…. you don’t know what happened…. you just feel how you do… you’ve been stuck in your corner holding on to the bit of light left… a shell of your former happy self.

You feel like you fuck up everything and there is no escape… you clench your fist and resist the urge to hit the wall… you’re wrist aches just thinking about it…. not knowing why you’re upset makes everything worse.. makes you more angry and makes you more upset more frustrated… you are silently crying out for help because you don’t want to inconvenience anyone… your problems aren’t important… they don’t care. you’re life is just a giant ball of fucked up and you can’t escape…. those you do talk to make you feel a little better but you don’t share it all because you don’t want them to go away… but then you feel like loneliness is better than having people you don’t deserve… it’s just an endless cycle and you are pounding on the walls of your shell begging.. Pleading… wishing it would stop…

This is the part where I switch it around and say something about there being hope or a light at the end of the tunnel or some shit. But not today… why? Because, I’m not going to sugar coat this. This is me, I wrote this though out a mental breakdown I  just had. And I don’t regret it. All my thoughts feelings and what happened is all here…. I am ok and alive… that is all that matters. we all have bad days, bad weeks even, some just end with mental breakdowns… I’ve figured out why it happened but those are details for another day. Goodnight.

Becca H. ❤

Openish letter to the man who’s stealing my heart.

To the man who is trying to steal my heart,
      Its only been a month or so since we met and I know this is all new for you… Though I’ve dated, been kissed and done almost everything else that goes with it…. This is actually new to me as well… I know I said I would never date coworkers but something about you…. I don’t know what it is…. and I’m sitting here freaking out because I’m scared I’m only liking you because you are giving me attention. I’ve been single for 2 months now… so please be patient…. I’ve had my heart broken to much to be eager to have it possibly happen again… I do apologize for that… sometimes I think I should of waited and not eagerly followed a silly boy down here on a thought of forever…. but then I probably wouldn’t of met you… my life would be totally different… do I regret decisions? yes.. every time things don’t work out the way I want them to or when I’m sitting alone with my thoughts…. but it all comes down to you… if it wasn’t for those decisions it wouldn’t of lead me to you…..
I am in somewhat constant fear that I am going to fuck this, whatever this is, up… and my flight or fight response is trying to get you to stop liking me so I don’t have this fear anymore… I’m nervous… I don’t want you to think I’m terrible but at the same time i do… I like you a lot… more than I think is possible for only knowing you for a month or so… and I know you like me… seeing you’ve said it yourself and our mutual friend even notices it. You are innocent when it comes to dating and what to do.. I find that cute… I really like that I can take things slow with you without jumping into bed as soon as we start dating….
And I know you have a lot of waiting to do.. I have a lot of things to sort out myself and I don’t want those reasons to be the reason we don’t work out…. see I want a family and that means I’m not just here to have a fling. that’s why I’m so cautious… I don’t want to invest my heart and soul into you when you aren’t looking for that… I know I’m only in my 20’s but seriously… I don’t want to waste my time anymore… I spent the better half of 5ish years with a man I thought was my forever… but he’s a twat.. the two after that weren’t any better… granted one was a rebound… but details… I don’t know how I feel to be honest…like I said I don’t know if I’m feeling this because you are giving me attention or if it is actually because there is something there…. I don’t want to waste our time based on us “liking” each other…
I ask a few things from you… please be patient with me… I’m just as awkward as you are with this… though I never act like it. my anxiety and depression make it hard to think straight sometimes and makes me want to hide in a corner. my past relationships have also made it hard. I’m used to keeping my emotions bottled up and not sharing how i feel… I’ve been getting better…  its just going to take time for me to talk about how i feel about this and everything. I have a lot of my own issues going on and i really wish you wouldn’t go through them…
I also ask for you to please understand my anxiety and depression and don’t dismiss it as “overreacting” that doesn’t help anything. if I’m having a panic attack over… say my brother being a massive twat… please know that I just need someone to vent to and I trust that to you… I don’t talk to a lot of people.. also I cling, so when I do meet your family or your group of friends I will cling to you… I’m sorry in advance… I have bad social anxiety… I crave having a good first impression. I care what people think about me… I worry about what you think of me… I also get randomly upset and depressed where I just need to be alone… ..understand that its not your fault…. I get that’s way from time to time… its hard to explain…. sometimes I may or may not need you and will be to scared to admit it…. just be there for me and understand that this isn’t overreacting to me.. this is my life… i try to not let it control me but what can I do…
As much as  I don’t mind a jealous boy, I ask that you don’t get to jealous about my guy friends, I work in a department that is mostly guys, and because of my appearance, apparently, I do get a lot of attention… and I do talk to them and it may seem like I’m flirting. heck I might be sometimes and not notice it… I’m sorry…. but I choose you and I want you to know that I wont cheat on you… and yes I’ll talk about my guy friends sometimes and say stuff they did but it doesn’t mean I’m really interested…. I’m to busy keeping you interested to deal with that…
there are many more things that need to be said but I’m also feeling like I’m rambling on and on… bottom line in all this is that please be patient while i work on all my emotions… and all my problems… I don’t want to mess this up… I just need to sort out how I’m feeling so I don’t jump into something we both regret… hopefully this works out and we end up happy together… but for now please bear with me while i deal with my problems… know i like you… and I’m not going anywhere… you’re an amazing person and i enjoy the friendship we do have.. I just hope there’s more..
“I wish I was brave enough to love you” – Brave enough by Lindsey Stirling ft. Christina Perri
Believe in your strength ❤
Becca
p.s. to my followers, no I haven’t died… just took time off and have been swamped with work and deadlines… #sendhelp…. haha I finally had a breather to write this. have a good week

Who really needs a title?

     This week has been nothing but amazing…. well ok not all of it has been amazing but I’m content with how this week has gone. I’ve been doing a lot more than I have ever have before. I don’t know what it is. I went out to breakfast my myself which I never do.. too much anxiety for that… well honestly I got stood up but I didn’t let that stop me from over coming my fear of leaving my house and being somewhere alone. but it was nice, yes this guy that stood me up is an a-hole and he’s begging for another chance. and I probably would of gave him another chance a few weeks ago. but I’ve changed and I’m not going to let some guy keep me away from being happy… and because I haven’t bothered giving him much of a chance. I’m a lot happier, its nice. and I feel better about life. I’ve been hanging out with more people and being more social which is an amazing feeling. I feel like I’m smiling a lot more 🙂
I’ve been walking and working out a lot more too which is saying a lot seeing that I get winded when I walk up the stairs haha. with the new Pokémon go app out that is a lot of motivation to do stuff.. but I’m not really like wandering around 24/7 looking for Pokémon. but if I’m walking my dog I will open the app and walk around. but I’ve also been feeling more energized and I feel better about my body. ya know I feel weird writing this stuff to put it out in a blog because I feel like people wouldn’t give a flaming pile of pig crap what i have to say let alone how I really feel… but at this point I’m just doing this to get my thoughts out there and for some on reason not having them just saved on my computer I can “let it go” if you will and send it out to the world. I mean I feel like my life can be an open book for the most part.
I’ve been kind of dating again, and that’s an experience… I don’t miss dating… its a pain. I mean you find a nice one and feel like you two are connected but he is either a fuck boy or just not interested. its hard to find the good ones, you will find ones that cant keep their hands off of you, or they try to hard to get a kiss when you don’t feel ready for it. or they start moaning when you do let the kiss you… or they get weird quick and you need an escape plan… or you really feel like you connected and there’s something there and then they “ghost” you or stop acting interested, or they stand you up because apparently that’s a thing lol or there are the ones that send you pictures of them.. not dick pics. and it looks like they have a stick up there ass or they are holding their breath like they are hiding something. or you actually get the unexpected dick pic.. like why! some guys are so difficult. you don’t know what they want and when you finally find out you either invested your time into them or moved on. and then its to late and emotions are crushed.
All in all my life is pretty good its been about a week since my last post and im not 100% sure when I will post another one. but I will keep posting probably about random stuff not just about how my life is going… or maybe not I haven’t decided :3 when I feel like writing ill just let it flow. like this. but sometimes I feel like I’m rambling… on and on till someone says “oh just shut up already” haha but that will be all for now I hope you have a great few weeks and I will be posting soon hopefully
Believe in your strength ❤
Becca H.

Update on life

 

So, I’ve been recently paying attention to my emotions. which is something that I don’t do very often… like when I’m sitting at work waiting for the next person to walk in so I can say “welcome to Meijer” for the billionth time that day or when I’m home alone like right now, instead of dwelling on all the bad things in my life I have been looking at all the good that’s in my life. which is hard I know…. and there are many forces that stop you from thinking happy thoughts. but I’ve been a lot happier since that happened. I went to therapy on Thursday and I cried 90% of the time. seriously. I walked out of there, thinking I literally didn’t get anything off my chest…. which sucked. but she is amazing and helps me with it all. she reminded me that the suffering is just now and there is better things in store…. I know ending myself isn’t the answer ever but you know you sit and think “maybe I can get hit by a bus on my drive home so I don’t have to deal with any of this anymore”…. I haven’t felt that way since therapy. the next day I felt like a whole new person like I poured my heart out and like I got everything off my chest that I needed to… which is amazing to me.

I’ve also been working on cutting the negativity out of my life and focusing on the positive. I cant believe how happy I am right now… its unbelievable. I’ve found amazing people who have help me stay positive and help me remember how awesome I am. haha…. I have also stopped looking at my body negatively… which is very hard to do… yeah I have some times where I look at someone and think “I would never pull that dress off” or “oh I looked ugly in that picture.” but that’s human nature. we have been programmed to think that. but when I do have that I dismiss it by thinking “well not everyone looks good in everything. I’m sure I have something she would look bad in” or laughing off the bad selfie and posing it anyway because who cares. and come to find out people actually like it and it makes you feel a lot better about yourself. and I know my last two post have been slightly depressing but ya know what. I learned how to deal with everything that went on. at first I did the first post as a “I’m going to post it on Facebook and have everyone see..” but I was too chickenshit to do it… so of course I’m sitting here with a blog with only one blog on it so i have to write more. granted not a lot of people, if any, really read what I post on here but whatever. I don’t care. I just enjoy that I can have my thoughts out here and maybe someone will relate and feel better about themselves. knowing that they are not alone.

Listening to music has helped me a lot… which is nice. I listen to pentatonix, Avril Lavigne, Melanie Martinez, and a few others, and  I love belting out and singing to my steering wheel, or dancing my feet off while blasting the music through my xbox. and after it all I feel a lot better. it gets any and all emotions out so they aren’t pent-up inside…. I will probably post an update on my life in about a week or so if not less depending on how I feel. I’ve just been itching to do this and knew I couldn’t wait till next week. but I am doing amazing and life seems so much brighter. I feel beautiful, smart, happy, just all around better. if any of you feel like you are alone please shoot me an email or something I’m here and I can help. I’m not a therapist but you are not alone in any of this. you can be happy and feel good about yourself again 🙂

Believe in your strength

Becca H. ❤