Seeing that I haven’t posted in about 2 weeks…. and I sometimes write stories/books in my spare time, I decided to put it on here and see what you peoples think
“I remember feeling cold… it was dark I couldn’t move much, but I could breath just fine, it felt familiar like I’ve been here before. I was comfortable but scared… not scared enough to scream or try to break my way out. I remember being alone, only hearing my heartbeat… being left alone to my thoughts… as soon as I realized that I could hear my heart start pounding and my body felt like it was seizing or something…” she paused, feeling like she was going to cry.
The therapist reached her hand across the table and placed her hand and her patient.”It’s ok Casiana, if you don’t want to keep going that’s fine” she paused for a brief moment, moving her hand away, ” you’ve made progress, I must say, I think over the past 2 years of seeing me you have gotten a lot better”
Casiana looked up from her hands and smiled, “Thanks Miss Slater. I have been feeling a lot better, I can’t believe it’s been 2 years…” she hesitated, reaching for her forearm. ” I can finally wear shorter sleeve shirts without worrying about people asking” she flashes the faded pink scars going from her elbow down to about three quarters down her forearm.
“Please Casiana, call me Jamie,” she smiled softly. “And that’s amazing… now if you don’t mind me asking…. is there any other scars anywhere else” she sighed quietly, that question has been pestering her for 2 years, she’s read Casiana’s file but wanted to hear it from her herself. Casiana quickly pulled her arm toward her and pulled down her sleeve a little, Jamie could tell she was hesitant and sat quietly for a few moments.
Casiana tensed up, avoiding eye contact, she knew this question was coming but she didn’t know when, or even how to answer it, after what seemed like hours she relaxed little and sighed deeply… “do…. do you want to see…” she said reluctantly, it was better showing than telling her.
“Only if you’re comfortable with it, you don’t have to.” Jamie said with a soft smile, not knowing what to expect.
Casiana stood up slowly avoiding eye contact at all cost, she walked away from the chair that she was all too familiar with and stood in the open space in the office. She looked around briefly, pulling at her shirt nervously…. she lifts up her shirt slightly showing the scar starting at the left of her belly button going diagonally across and disappearing under her pants. She takes off her shirt, exposing her body. There are a few more, smaller scars across her chest, not as large or as deep as the ones on her stomach and arm. She starts to undo her pants. Stopping to look up at Jamie, who is watching cautiously, Casiana noticed that she isn’t looking at her body, or the marks that it is riddled with. But at her face, watching her expressions waiting to step in and tell her to stop, waiting to see if she’s uncomfortable. She continues undoing her pants, and pulls them down slightly… about mid thigh, the scar continues down to there and stops just below the seam of her underwear. She turns around and shows Jamie her back… Jamie gasps a little as she sees the big scar across her back with a shorter yet deeper scar across her lower back making an ‘X’ across her lower back. Casiana quickly turns around and pulls up her pants.
“I’m so sorry Casiana” Jamie says realizing her reaction. ” I just didn’t realize…” she paused trying to find the right words… she feels a hand on her shoulder, she looks up and sees Casiana over her smiling.
“It’s alright Miss…. I mean Jamie… I knew the consequences of showing you… trust me I’ve had worse reactions..” she had a reassuring tone in her voice which shocked both of them, “It’s ok if you don’t know what to say next, it’s always hard to think of something when you’ve seen it… trust me. I see it every day and it still haunts me” she retreated back to her chair. She sat there quietly and waited for Jamie to respond
After a long pause she finally spoke, breaking the silence “I think you have made amazing progress. I really am glad you decided to stay with me even after they told you didn’t have to…. is there anything else you would like to share?” Jamie said quietly, she had so many questions but didn’t want to pester.
Casiana quietly shook her head, “Thank you for being an amazing therapist, I feel like I can trust you and feel like you don’t judge me like everyone else does. it’s a sigh of relief when I can tell someone my past and not have them harshly judge me even though it wasn’t my fault…” she looked away and started to tear up… she then sat quietly quickly whipping the tears away..
“Well you can stay with me as long as you want …I don’t have any other appointments… so I’m all yours…” she laughed to herself and watched Casiana passively… trying not to stare she wants to do more but she can only do so much… she sits helplessly watching her next move…
Casiana slowly gets up and collects her belongings…she smiles and Jamie can see that she is preparing herself for the scary world out there…. she holds her head up high.. Like she has for the last few years and starts to head out… she stops before she opens the door… and looks at Jamie “same time next week?” Jamie smiles and nods, they enjoyed each other’s company… and Jamie made sure her Thursday nights after Casiana’s appointment were clear… just in case… Casiana opens the door and walks out with her mask on… making it seem like nothing is wrong…. just like she has for the last few years….
Becca H. ❤