Fluff You, You Fluffing Fluff

Do you ever get that day, or maybe even week where you feel like nothing is going right? Like everything in this world is shit and no matter how hard you try you keep getting buried under it. You sit and think that you cant do anything right and you just are complete fuck up and the world would be better off without you…. Usually how it goes right? yeah pretty much.. haha  and during these days you are moody and emotional and you just want affection from those you love but you know if you get it you will just get annoyed and want nothing to do with them. You want to be secluded but you know that that is no way for anyone to live.

Just a swill of emotion and pain. You get in this sick rut and everything pisses you off and no amount of time off or days off will make it any better…. Plus on top of that you are getting sick and your boyfriend is trying to make you feel better and you love it and appreciate it but you really don’t want it. You’re mind and feelings are making you second guess anything and everything until  you want to scream your head off. And sometimes it gets worse because all the wrong people message you constantly and it gets to the point where you want to throw your phone or tell them to honestly fuck off because you’re sick of the pity party or the constant texting even though you rarely ever reply.. I’m such a bitch I swear.

Anyway, you feel like you’re grasping at straws hoping that something will make you feel again. something will pull you out of this bottomless pit that you thrust yourself in time and time again. All you really want to do is escape but you honestly don’t have time for that. because school and work and you’re so called “social life” consume you and you just need a break. The constant nagging of everyone and everything is slowly but surly driving you completely insane. And you know the stress is consuming you and is taking control of you’re actions. so what do you do? Put on that fake smile you know how to do all to well and hope and pray that someone doesn’t start pressing buttons and cause you to explode. Because when that happens you become the bitch. Even though you warned them plenty-a-good time that shit will hit the fan if they keep pushing. But do they listen? Never… Holy hell do they not listen. Then wonder why you are yelling and screaming at them. But no, no matter what it’s still your fault. and you sit and crave their approval so you take the blame and apologize *eye roll* when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.. really… Honest to goodness… I mean yes you shouldn’t of screamed at them… but like I said, you warned the bastard that tried to be funny. so honesty they can sick it cuz there is nothing wrong with you expressing your feelings.

But honestly its been a shit week and I just want it to be over but its not going to be because I never actually have a day off… its a constant slur of work and school and you never have a day where you can shut down and not have to do or think about anything at all.. but of course not… why would you need one of those. fuck. well I’m still kicking and breathing so I’m sure that this will pass… I’ve been having a lot of health issues so I’ve been stupid worried about that…. and I’ve had more tests then I would like done and they still don’t know what the fack is going on… ugh. but whatever.

You all have a good week or what-have you. sleep tight and don’t take shit from anyone… unless its your boss or they pay you.

Believe in your strength ❤

Becca H.

 

Random book writings

Seeing that I haven’t posted in about 2 weeks…. and I sometimes write stories/books in my spare time, I decided to put it on here and see what you peoples think

“I remember feeling cold… it was dark I couldn’t move much, but I could breath just fine, it felt familiar like I’ve been here before. I was comfortable but scared… not scared enough to scream or try to break my way out. I remember being alone, only hearing my heartbeat… being left alone to my thoughts… as soon as I realized that I could hear my heart start pounding and my body felt like it was seizing or something…” she paused, feeling like she was going to cry.

 The therapist reached her hand across the table and placed her hand and her patient.”It’s ok Casiana, if you don’t want to keep going that’s fine”  she paused for a brief moment, moving her hand away, ” you’ve made progress, I must say, I think over the past 2 years of seeing me you have gotten a lot better”

Casiana looked up from her hands and smiled, “Thanks Miss Slater. I have been feeling a lot better, I can’t believe it’s been 2 years…” she hesitated, reaching for her forearm. ” I can finally wear shorter sleeve shirts without worrying about people asking” she flashes the faded pink scars going from her elbow down to about three quarters down her forearm.

“Please Casiana, call me Jamie,” she smiled softly. “And that’s amazing… now if you don’t mind me asking…. is there any other scars anywhere else” she sighed quietly, that question has been pestering her for 2 years, she’s read Casiana’s file but wanted to hear it from her herself. Casiana quickly pulled her arm toward her and pulled down her sleeve a little, Jamie could tell she was hesitant and sat quietly for a few moments.

Casiana tensed up, avoiding eye contact, she knew this question was coming but she didn’t know when, or even how to answer it, after what seemed like hours she relaxed little and sighed deeply… “do…. do you want to see…” she said reluctantly, it was better showing than telling her.

“Only if you’re comfortable with it, you don’t have to.” Jamie said with a soft smile, not knowing what to expect.

Casiana stood up slowly avoiding eye contact at all cost, she walked away from the chair that she was all too familiar with and stood in the open space in the office. She looked around briefly, pulling at her shirt nervously…. she lifts up her shirt slightly showing the scar starting at the left of her belly button going diagonally across and disappearing under her pants. She takes off her shirt, exposing her body. There are a few more, smaller scars across her chest, not as large or as deep as the ones on her stomach and arm. She starts to undo her pants. Stopping to look up at Jamie, who is watching cautiously, Casiana noticed that she isn’t looking at her body, or the marks that it is riddled with. But at her face, watching her expressions waiting to step in and tell her to stop, waiting to see if she’s uncomfortable. She continues undoing her pants, and pulls them down slightly… about mid thigh, the scar continues down to there and stops just below the seam of her underwear. She turns around and shows Jamie her back… Jamie gasps a little as she sees the big scar across her back with a shorter yet deeper scar across her lower back making an ‘X’ across her lower back. Casiana quickly turns around and pulls up her pants.

“I’m so sorry Casiana” Jamie says realizing her reaction. ” I just didn’t realize…” she paused trying to find the right words… she feels a hand on her shoulder, she looks up and sees Casiana over her smiling.

“It’s alright Miss…. I mean Jamie… I knew the consequences of showing you… trust me I’ve had worse reactions..” she had a reassuring tone in her voice which shocked both of them, “It’s ok if you don’t know what to say next, it’s always hard to think of something when you’ve seen it… trust me. I see it every day and it still haunts me” she retreated back to her chair. She sat there quietly and waited for Jamie to respond

After a long pause she finally spoke, breaking the silence “I think you have made amazing progress. I really am glad you decided to stay with me even after they told you didn’t have to…. is there anything else you would like to share?” Jamie said quietly, she had so many questions but didn’t want to pester.

Casiana quietly shook her head, “Thank you for being an amazing therapist, I feel like I can trust you and feel like you don’t judge me like everyone else does. it’s a sigh of relief when I can tell someone my past and not have them harshly judge me even though it wasn’t my fault…” she looked away and started to tear up… she then sat quietly quickly whipping the tears away..

“Well you can stay with me as long as you want  …I don’t have any other appointments… so I’m all yours…” she laughed to herself and watched Casiana passively… trying not to stare she wants to do more but she can only do so much… she sits helplessly watching her next move…

Casiana slowly gets up and collects her belongings…she smiles and Jamie can see that she is preparing herself for the scary world out there…. she holds her head up high.. Like she has for the last few years and starts to head out… she stops before she opens the door… and looks at Jamie “same time next week?” Jamie smiles and nods, they enjoyed each other’s company… and Jamie made sure her Thursday nights after Casiana’s appointment were clear… just in case… Casiana opens the door and walks out with her mask on… making it seem like nothing is wrong…. just like she has for the last few years….

Becca H. ❤

Late Night Mentality

Do you ever get that empty pain; Where you don’t know what’s going on. It hits you out of nowhere and it lingers for minutes, hours, days. And after a while you start feeling emptier, sick, upset, like you have a giant lump in your throat like you’re going to start crying your eyes out, and the anxiety of crying your eyes out in public. the fear that someone will see the pain that is in your eyes and ask if you’re ok… especially when you don’t even know if you’re ok…. so you put on your mask, make your voice a few notes higher to sound happy and look happy so everyone believes you’re ok… when really you feel like you’re just a shell of who you are. You feel like you’re drowning in a pit of your own insecurities and thoughts and you breath and grab on to those who stay and deal with your mess and hope they don’t leave you. You stare at them with amazement when they still want to keep you even after you’ve showed them a glimpse of what is really going on in your head… but then you feel bad. Like they are going to use it against you and tear you down and leave you…. so you shut them out… in a pit of depression. Saying you need to be alone.

Sitting in the corner blaring whatever music helps you feel a little bit again and you look down to see one of your favorite pocket knife’s open in front of you… you’re body is screaming telling you not to… but your mind says why not feel the pain… feel something… know you’re still alive… do it. Just a little. so you take it… and just hold it… remembering the last time you used it and how you not following box cutter safety caused you to have a little cut on your leg… then for that split second you remember. Why haven’t you done this before? Why haven’t you given into this before? Flashes of your friends and loved ones pass through your head. You grab your head and start sobbing wanting this pain to stop. Hoping wishing praying that you can feel whole again, you hear your phone ting and make other noises. You lift yourself up and look. It’s him…. there’s a slight smile. you want him to run… but you don’t… you hate the fact that you get like this and you hate the thought of him seeing you get this depressed…. you don’t know what happened…. you just feel how you do… you’ve been stuck in your corner holding on to the bit of light left… a shell of your former happy self.

You feel like you fuck up everything and there is no escape… you clench your fist and resist the urge to hit the wall… you’re wrist aches just thinking about it…. not knowing why you’re upset makes everything worse.. makes you more angry and makes you more upset more frustrated… you are silently crying out for help because you don’t want to inconvenience anyone… your problems aren’t important… they don’t care. you’re life is just a giant ball of fucked up and you can’t escape…. those you do talk to make you feel a little better but you don’t share it all because you don’t want them to go away… but then you feel like loneliness is better than having people you don’t deserve… it’s just an endless cycle and you are pounding on the walls of your shell begging.. Pleading… wishing it would stop…

This is the part where I switch it around and say something about there being hope or a light at the end of the tunnel or some shit. But not today… why? Because, I’m not going to sugar coat this. This is me, I wrote this though out a mental breakdown I  just had. And I don’t regret it. All my thoughts feelings and what happened is all here…. I am ok and alive… that is all that matters. we all have bad days, bad weeks even, some just end with mental breakdowns… I’ve figured out why it happened but those are details for another day. Goodnight.

Becca H. ❤

Openish letter to the man who’s stealing my heart.

To the man who is trying to steal my heart,

      Its only been a month or so since we met and I know this is all new for you… Though I’ve dated, been kissed and done almost everything else that goes with it…. This is actually new to me as well… I know I said I would never date coworkers but something about you…. I don’t know what it is…. and I’m sitting here freaking out because I’m scared I’m only liking you because you are giving me attention. I’ve been single for 2 months now… so please be patient…. I’ve had my heart broken to much to be eager to have it possibly happen again… I do apologize for that… sometimes I think I should of waited and not eagerly followed a silly boy down here on a thought of forever…. but then I probably wouldn’t of met you… my life would be totally different… do I regret decisions? yes.. every time things don’t work out the way I want them to or when I’m sitting alone with my thoughts…. but it all comes down to you… if it wasn’t for those decisions it wouldn’t of lead me to you…..

I am in somewhat constant fear that I am going to fuck this, whatever this is, up… and my flight or fight response is trying to get you to stop liking me so I don’t have this fear anymore… I’m nervous… I don’t want you to think I’m terrible but at the same time i do… I like you a lot… more than I think is possible for only knowing you for a month or so… and I know you like me… seeing you’ve said it yourself and our mutual friend even notices it. You are innocent when it comes to dating and what to do.. I find that cute… I really like that I can take things slow with you without jumping into bed as soon as we start dating….

And I know you have a lot of waiting to do.. I have a lot of things to sort out myself and I don’t want those reasons to be the reason we don’t work out…. see I want a family and that means I’m not just here to have a fling. that’s why I’m so cautious… I don’t want to invest my heart and soul into you when you aren’t looking for that… I know I’m only in my 20’s but seriously… I don’t want to waste my time anymore… I spent the better half of 5ish years with a man I thought was my forever… but he’s a twat.. the two after that weren’t any better… granted one was a rebound… but details… I don’t know how I feel to be honest…like I said I don’t know if I’m feeling this because you are giving me attention or if it is actually because there is something there…. I don’t want to waste our time based on us “liking” each other…

I ask a few things from you… please be patient with me… I’m just as awkward as you are with this… though I never act like it. my anxiety and depression make it hard to think straight sometimes and makes me want to hide in a corner. my past relationships have also made it hard. I’m used to keeping my emotions bottled up and not sharing how i feel… I’ve been getting better…  its just going to take time for me to talk about how i feel about this and everything. I have a lot of my own issues going on and i really wish you wouldn’t go through them…

I also ask for you to please understand my anxiety and depression and don’t dismiss it as “overreacting” that doesn’t help anything. if I’m having a panic attack over… say my brother being a massive twat… please know that I just need someone to vent to and I trust that to you… I don’t talk to a lot of people.. also I cling, so when I do meet your family or your group of friends I will cling to you… I’m sorry in advance… I have bad social anxiety… I crave having a good first impression. I care what people think about me… I worry about what you think of me… I also get randomly upset and depressed where I just need to be alone… ..understand that its not your fault…. I get that’s way from time to time… its hard to explain…. sometimes I may or may not need you and will be to scared to admit it…. just be there for me and understand that this isn’t overreacting to me.. this is my life… i try to not let it control me but what can I do…

As much as  I don’t mind a jealous boy, I ask that you don’t get to jealous about my guy friends, I work in a department that is mostly guys, and because of my appearance, apparently, I do get a lot of attention… and I do talk to them and it may seem like I’m flirting. heck I might be sometimes and not notice it… I’m sorry…. but I choose you and I want you to know that I wont cheat on you… and yes I’ll talk about my guy friends sometimes and say stuff they did but it doesn’t mean I’m really interested…. I’m to busy keeping you interested to deal with that…

there are many more things that need to be said but I’m also feeling like I’m rambling on and on… bottom line in all this is that please be patient while i work on all my emotions… and all my problems… I don’t want to mess this up… I just need to sort out how I’m feeling so I don’t jump into something we both regret… hopefully this works out and we end up happy together… but for now please bear with me while i deal with my problems… know i like you… and I’m not going anywhere… you’re an amazing person and i enjoy the friendship we do have.. I just hope there’s more..

“I wish I was brave enough to love you” – Brave enough by Lindsey Stirling ft. Christina Perri

Believe in your strength ❤
Becca

p.s. to my followers, no I haven’t died… just took time off and have been swamped with work and deadlines… #sendhelp…. haha I finally had a breather to write this. have a good week

Who really needs a title?

     This week has been nothing but amazing…. well ok not all of it has been amazing but I’m content with how this week has gone. I’ve been doing a lot more than I have ever have before. I don’t know what it is. I went out to breakfast my myself which I never do.. too much anxiety for that… well honestly I got stood up but I didn’t let that stop me from over coming my fear of leaving my house and being somewhere alone. but it was nice, yes this guy that stood me up is an a-hole and he’s begging for another chance. and I probably would of gave him another chance a few weeks ago. but I’ve changed and I’m not going to let some guy keep me away from being happy… and because I haven’t bothered giving him much of a chance. I’m a lot happier, its nice. and I feel better about life. I’ve been hanging out with more people and being more social which is an amazing feeling. I feel like I’m smiling a lot more 🙂

I’ve been walking and working out a lot more too which is saying a lot seeing that I get winded when I walk up the stairs haha. with the new Pokémon go app out that is a lot of motivation to do stuff.. but I’m not really like wandering around 24/7 looking for Pokémon. but if I’m walking my dog I will open the app and walk around. but I’ve also been feeling more energized and I feel better about my body. ya know I feel weird writing this stuff to put it out in a blog because I feel like people wouldn’t give a flaming pile of pig crap what i have to say let alone how I really feel… but at this point I’m just doing this to get my thoughts out there and for some on reason not having them just saved on my computer I can “let it go” if you will and send it out to the world. I mean I feel like my life can be an open book for the most part.

I’ve been kind of dating again, and that’s an experience… I don’t miss dating… its a pain. I mean you find a nice one and feel like you two are connected but he is either a fuck boy or just not interested. its hard to find the good ones, you will find ones that cant keep their hands off of you, or they try to hard to get a kiss when you don’t feel ready for it. or they start moaning when you do let the kiss you… or they get weird quick and you need an escape plan… or you really feel like you connected and there’s something there and then they “ghost” you or stop acting interested, or they stand you up because apparently that’s a thing lol or there are the ones that send you pictures of them.. not dick pics. and it looks like they have a stick up there ass or they are holding their breath like they are hiding something. or you actually get the unexpected dick pic.. like why! some guys are so difficult. you don’t know what they want and when you finally find out you either invested your time into them or moved on. and then its to late and emotions are crushed.

All in all my life is pretty good its been about a week since my last post and im not 100% sure when I will post another one. but I will keep posting probably about random stuff not just about how my life is going… or maybe not I haven’t decided :3 when I feel like writing ill just let it flow. like this. but sometimes I feel like I’m rambling… on and on till someone says “oh just shut up already” haha but that will be all for now I hope you have a great few weeks and I will be posting soon hopefully

Believe in your strength ❤
Becca H.

Update on life

 

So, I’ve been recently paying attention to my emotions. which is something that I don’t do very often… like when I’m sitting at work waiting for the next person to walk in so I can say “welcome to Meijer” for the billionth time that day or when I’m home alone like right now, instead of dwelling on all the bad things in my life I have been looking at all the good that’s in my life. which is hard I know…. and there are many forces that stop you from thinking happy thoughts. but I’ve been a lot happier since that happened. I went to therapy on Thursday and I cried 90% of the time. seriously. I walked out of there, thinking I literally didn’t get anything off my chest…. which sucked. but she is amazing and helps me with it all. she reminded me that the suffering is just now and there is better things in store…. I know ending myself isn’t the answer ever but you know you sit and think “maybe I can get hit by a bus on my drive home so I don’t have to deal with any of this anymore”…. I haven’t felt that way since therapy. the next day I felt like a whole new person like I poured my heart out and like I got everything off my chest that I needed to… which is amazing to me.

I’ve also been working on cutting the negativity out of my life and focusing on the positive. I cant believe how happy I am right now… its unbelievable. I’ve found amazing people who have help me stay positive and help me remember how awesome I am. haha…. I have also stopped looking at my body negatively… which is very hard to do… yeah I have some times where I look at someone and think “I would never pull that dress off” or “oh I looked ugly in that picture.” but that’s human nature. we have been programmed to think that. but when I do have that I dismiss it by thinking “well not everyone looks good in everything. I’m sure I have something she would look bad in” or laughing off the bad selfie and posing it anyway because who cares. and come to find out people actually like it and it makes you feel a lot better about yourself. and I know my last two post have been slightly depressing but ya know what. I learned how to deal with everything that went on. at first I did the first post as a “I’m going to post it on Facebook and have everyone see..” but I was too chickenshit to do it… so of course I’m sitting here with a blog with only one blog on it so i have to write more. granted not a lot of people, if any, really read what I post on here but whatever. I don’t care. I just enjoy that I can have my thoughts out here and maybe someone will relate and feel better about themselves. knowing that they are not alone.

Listening to music has helped me a lot… which is nice. I listen to pentatonix, Avril Lavigne, Melanie Martinez, and a few others, and  I love belting out and singing to my steering wheel, or dancing my feet off while blasting the music through my xbox. and after it all I feel a lot better. it gets any and all emotions out so they aren’t pent-up inside…. I will probably post an update on my life in about a week or so if not less depending on how I feel. I’ve just been itching to do this and knew I couldn’t wait till next week. but I am doing amazing and life seems so much brighter. I feel beautiful, smart, happy, just all around better. if any of you feel like you are alone please shoot me an email or something I’m here and I can help. I’m not a therapist but you are not alone in any of this. you can be happy and feel good about yourself again 🙂

Believe in your strength

Becca H. ❤

 

Random thoughts and stuff

People never stop surprising me…  you think you know them and think that they wont hurt you or that they wont act like their ex  but what happens, the complete opposite. they hurt you or the end up sleeping with someone. so now you’re not sure how to feel about them anymore and you just sit and wonder about what you did. what in the world happened to make you a target for that pain… you try to stop thinking about it or your friends try to make you feel better but it never seems to work..

but really its not you… and I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but you are amazing and things happen for a reason… you are special, and its not the end of the world. and I know you’re thinking, maybe if I was prettier, or maybe if I wasn’t how I am. but NO that is not it at all… you… yes you, need to knock that out right now. negativity isn’t going to solve your problem.. we need to learn how to love ourselves, and stop being so negative about our bodies. Trust me I know its hard..i’ve been dealing with it for years. its how our society has raised us… but if you really try… cut the negativity from your life, stay positive, love what you see in the mirror it will work out.

Its going to be hard but lets do it. you and me. try our hardest to love ourselves, and don’t let what happened in your past effect your future… sometimes I feel like its going to be a challenge. and I know that these posts have only been sad and depressing. but I get bored and I think its a good idea to start writing.

Anyway, don’t get me wrong I like the forth of July.. my 20ish pound puppy on the other hand,…. not so much…. thank god the fireworks have stopped because she was non stop barking… she hates fireworks and thunderstorms…. and seeing where I live apparently thunderstorms only happen at night… that’s annoying and apparently it knows and always storms when I need to wake up early in the morning… soo that’s always a joy… but thank the gods or just one god .. whatever… that she is passed out right now…  and sorry for the typos.

have a good night all, stay safe, and believe in your strength,

Becca H ❤

2 Years of This

          You know what’s funny? you spend your whole life working toward something then it just gets taken away from you or you get dragged to a totally different path because of some backwards system that fucks up everything. one day your working toward getting your biochemistry degree to help get into vet school and the next you’re waking up at 5am to put on a chefs coat and “learn” about how to cook, when its really them just telling you to make something and getting mad when it doesn’t turn out right and your dreams are put on hold because your plan didn’t work out the way you wanted. because you were spoiled as a child or got good grades in high school but it didn’t prepare you for college in any way shape or form, so you’re sitting in a giant lecture hall where pretty much anything goes as long as you do your homework and the whole time during class you’re either texting a cute boy that you so desperately wanted to be your friend or playing candy crush or Pokémon shuffle, or even summoning wars and not paying attention in class… not realizing your failing till it’s too late and you don’t want to ask for help because you’re too scared to ask for it in fear that people think you’re dumb and you don’t know it but your anxiety keeps you from getting that push to get the help and get all the support you need, because you were taught to keep your head up and work hard, but you always had people there who watched over you and helped you to see what you were doing wrong…. but in the real world no one cares if your failing no one really cares if you are sitting alone in a dark room at night crying your eyes out because you don’t know what to do next…. you sit and hope and pray that everything will work out but really everything gets worse. some people say they care, but ask them to help you cope with a breakup or see about hanging out…then you don’t get a response… and don’t get me wrong… there are some out there that really do care and will come to you at midnight with chocolate and wine and stay with you for hours until you don’t feel like you are alone anymore. until you feel like you can face the world again with a smile on your face and mean it. life is though.. that is a lesson that everyone needs to learn at one time or another…. you will get through it and yes there will be plenty of nights where you’re sitting and contemplating life because you don’t know if it’s worth living anymore… you will have sleepless nights where your mind is keeping you up and you are hearing your roommates bed squeak because he can’t stay off his girlfriend for more that 5 seconds, and your thoughts just get worse and worse and deeper and deeper into this dark pit of depression that you have tried to rope off time and time again but the rope brakes and you being to over think the stupidest things, like how someone in a car speeding past you at 45MPH in the opposite direction looked at you. you finally get to point where you want to scream and shout and rip your hair out but you don’t because you have a fear that your roommate finally fell asleep or you live alone in an apartment and  its 3am and you don’t want to wake any neighbors.. so you sit quietly and stare into the darkness  and hope and wish that you either don’t wake up tomorrow or you wake up and you were just having a bad dream and everything’s ok. other times you feel like you have been typing for hours but really it’s only been a few minutes and you have barely written a page….. but at the end of the day. your hopes and dreams can be more than that… they can be goals in your life that make you push to get things done… yeah your plans get messed up, things don’t go as planned. One day you could be up at 7am making ice cream with your classmates who annoy the hell out of you because you aren’t a morning person and you have been doing this to too long… and you don’t know what else to do.. you don’t want to start all over again, and you don’t want to mess up and push your dreams further and further away… but you really don’t want to be doing this now… sometimes it’s easier to remember all the times you have fucked up verses all the times you have done good things, you feel like you’ve been through too much and all hope is lost… and you feel like you are stuck in a rut and you don’t care, you get a new job or an appointment comes up and it changes your schedule a little, it used to make you freak out or over think your schedule, but now you just go through it like it’s been happening every day, and you feel like you are just going through the motions… like your mind is just set on auto pilot and you don’t want to shut it off…. it’s nice to have the break… but it slowly makes you lose control of yourself.. so you change your hair the way you do your makeup get new glasses new clothes… something to try to change something and to feel again… and it doesn’t work… or it makes you feel different for a few days because everyone compliments you on it, but that goes away and you are back to where you were before… finally you take a step back, and look at your life, and then sit down and write a long narrative or whatever this is called and hope that it would shed some light on you and your feelings… you try to listen to those who tell you that to love yourself first and remember that you are always enough, and too keep fighting and keep going but it’s always so hard, sometimes you look at those and realize that is the only reason why you haven’t ended yourself yet or why you do have a smile on your face…. and we have friends or coworkers who make fun of you, and you know they are joking so you let it roll off but a piece of it stays with you and you remember that when you are at your lowest, “maybe I am just a jealous bitch.” “maybe I cant to anything right”” and you don’t want to talk to anyone because of the fear that they will become annoyed with you or that they won’t understand what’s going on. or that you feel like you are imposing your problems onto their busy life and you distracting them from it so they can deal with you…. you just feel so helpless and hope wish and wait for something… anything…. you meet someone at your job… he’s nice and you think he is so beautiful, but you’re awkward,…. so he messages you about covering a shift and you try to flirt… but you don’t think he takes the hint… and you blow it off… it’s your last day at that job…. he hugs you… and you are still fucking awkward… but you roll it off because you don’t know what to do… but you are thinking about it… you feel dumb and like you can do nothing right… but here you are reading this… granted I know there are many guys out there reading this too… but you have felt some of these… maybe not the last thing… but still.. everyone is different.. you are special.. in a good way, of course. I thank you for taking the time to read this long and meaningful post….. I want you to know that I’ve been through this… all of this… there is a lot more that I didn’t put here because some things getting to personal is hard…. but having anxiety and depression is hell… you care but you don’t, you want to but you’re scared. you cry for no reason. or you start having a panic attack in the middle of school…. I’ve been there… I know…. you are not alone…. although it may feel like it… your world may feel like its crumbling beneath your feet but that’s when you have to be strong and keep moving keep fighting, find an outlet, write your own story, sing, dance, go for a drive, surround yourself with friends, draw, smile, laugh ,drink…. but don’t become an alcoholic please. do whatever makes you happy, whatever makes you want to keep living another day… just know there are people out here who love you, friends, family, your dog, that strange man that comes into work and always talks to you about random stuff.  someone once told me that I am strong and I can get through whatever is bothering me because I am stronger than my problem… that was the only time I really talked to him…. and it still stuck in my head. he believed in me when I felt like no one else did… he saw something was wrong and he knew just what to say. he was like my guardian, your guardian is out there looking out for you… he sends little messages like that to you so you can feel better or get encouragement… everyone copes with their problems differently. I’ve had anxiety and depression for almost 2 years now, I’ve tried the meds and they don’t work, that and I can’t get myself to take them everyday… so they don’t work. I used to go to therapy weekly, but, thanks to my therapist, I have gotten to the point where I can go there whenever I need it, which isn’t very often. but get the help you need, go to therapy if you think it will help…. I know that some of you don’t want to go through that “so how does that make you feel” bullshit… and I didn’t either, and my therapist doesn’t do that, I told her at the beginning I just am here to talk and she was able to give me that she didn’t do any of that stereotypical therapist crap, she treated me like a friend and talked me through my problems when I needed it…  but like I said do what makes you happy, do what makes you believe in yourself again. and know that there are many people out there who love you so much and would die if something were to happen to you… smile, love, hope, dream. negativity does come, but it also goes away….. you’re alive and reading this and I am so happy that you are. thank you again for taking the time out of your life to read this…. I hope its inspired you, and maybe helped those who don’t have anxiety or depression to see a little snapshot in the head of those who have it…

Believe in your strength,

Becca H. ❤