Welcome to your tape (not really. couldn’t think of a title)

Well fuck.

it is currently around 1:40 AM and I’ve been toying with the idea of writing another post so soon for a few days now… but here I am so here we go.

I sit here and pretend I have my life all together when really I don’t… the past few days I’ve been on the loosing end of my endless battle with depression…. Thank god my anxiety isn’t tagging along though…. and I know some of you are asking why I’m not talking to a friend or someone about it, but its one of those times when you do have these depression spurts that you really have no explanation, and I really didn’t wanna hear “just kinda in a funk huh?” or “well what made you feel this way.. what set it off” gurl if I knew I would of told you.  It’s just one of those things that I just cant shake off. I’ve been working hard to get my life stable, I just changed my life plan around and am now getting my bachelors instead of just my associates. Which is good. And I’m trying to get my internship squared away so I can start sooner than beginning of June, lets just say I’ve had a lot of paperwork, so I haven’t really had a chance to have a clear head for more than 2 minutes. And I think I am a borderline insomniac… or something…. I have days where I just cant sleep so I lay there with my eyes closed… and cant sleep… or when I do lately I’ve been up at exactly 8am… yes I said exactly 8. like 8:00:00am ( or at least I’m pretty damned sure).

It’s gotten to the point where I honestly don’t care what happens… like a few nights ago I was having a hard time sleeping (didn’t help that my dog wasn’t laying still and was all over the house) but I swear to whatever is up there that someone was watching me… and I just didn’t care. I usually would of grabbed one of my many knives or my tazer and had it close at hand. but I literally just barely looked around and that’s it… I just don’t know what’s wrong…

so here I am its almost 2am and for the rest of this until I think its long enough I think I’m just going to start ‘free writing’ random bullcrap, poetry type things. I’ve been watching Neil Hilborn’s stuff so hopefully it will be as good as his. (BTdubs I’m completely ignoring my title if you didn’t notice. lol)

You were my third real love. You meant so much to me. I know its hard to imagine, seeing that you would never see me that way. But I was there, I didn’t make a fool of myself, I know not to do that with women. Well, I make a fool out of myself no matter what.

You made me happy and smile and forget about all the bad shit that happens in life, makes me what to hold each moment like its our last, and I never wanted to let it go. My heart stopped when you entered the room and your beauty took my breath away. speaking to you was easy. So loving you made it easier.

But something changed, you sat there still bubbly as ever, and I couldn’t help but notice something was off. Then I realized he came into your life. I was angry yet happy yet upset and any other emotion you could think of. You talked about him before but I never thought anything of it. You always stated that it wasn’t going to turn into anything. But now, now its real.  He’s holding you, kissing you’ and loving you in more ways that I can imagine…

You left me, well not really you were still with me but you weren’t ever mine. You’re spending more time with him and making it hard for me, I want you to be happy.

This was never a real option; what I wanted you and I to have, but it was fun to hope right? Lay on my bed with the doors unlocked sitting and thinking if someone where to come in and murder me I would warmly accept it, like the first day we hugged. It may seem dramatic, but I’ve wasted so much time on so many people that it didn’t matter.  Maybe I am being dramatic, maybe I am over reacting. But who really knows now anyway. Your happy that’s all that matters. I love you and don’t you forget it.

 

Say fuck it and do wild things ❤

Becca H.

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