Another Post with Thoughts and Stuff

Anxiety sucks, and of course those who don’t have it either hear horror stories or wayward people “overreacting” about their issues. I’ve had it long enough to know that it sucks. I can go weeks, sometimes even months without a giant panic attack, while there are days where the littlest things set off the biggest panic attack. breathing gets harder, cant/wont move or constant moving to try to escape what’s causing it. and sometimes it can be as simple as a text message from the past. or seeing someone who looks like an ex or a person who made your life hell. and sometimes its that living in constant fear that you are annoying someone or being to clingy or just overreacting. the constant fear that you are just a complete fuck up and those thoughts and fears don’t go away and it pulls you in deeper and deeper till you shut yourself away, hide yourself from the ones you love, or put on a face and pretend that everything is ok.

And there’s a problem with that. you can only do that for so long before you go mentally insane or start lashing out, sometimes even both. little things start to irritate you or make things worse, so you start snapping at people or just always look pissed off and be pissed off… you slowly make yourself seem crazy and believe that you are. which makes it worse.

depression is really no better, minus the whole anxiety attacks. it makes you feel down. like you’re not good enough for something so you don’t even try. sometimes you feel like people are just there because the pity you, not because they actually like having you around. example: I had a party the week before Christmas an I’m sitting and looking at the 8 people who showed up (versus the like 20 or so I invited) and was thinking they were just there because of the kinda free booze and food and they had nothing better to do on a Saturday night…. but at the end of the night I was glad that they all were there and what not. but then I was kinda upset that everyone I invited didn’t show up but I understand that people had work and what not…. but I couldn’t help but feel like I was the reason they didn’t come, like they didn’t like me…. you get that fear that no one likes you or that you are a worthless piece of garbage.

But anyway that’s my soap box for a few weeks I guess…. or whatever. have a happy whatever doesn’t offend you and If I don’t post anything in the next weeks see you next year

 

Believe in your strength ❤

Becca H.

 

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