Do you ever get that empty pain; Where you don’t know what’s going on. It hits you out of nowhere and it lingers for minutes, hours, days. And after a while you start feeling emptier, sick, upset, like you have a giant lump in your throat like you’re going to start crying your eyes out, and the anxiety of crying your eyes out in public. the fear that someone will see the pain that is in your eyes and ask if you’re ok… especially when you don’t even know if you’re ok…. so you put on your mask, make your voice a few notes higher to sound happy and look happy so everyone believes you’re ok… when really you feel like you’re just a shell of who you are. You feel like you’re drowning in a pit of your own insecurities and thoughts and you breath and grab on to those who stay and deal with your mess and hope they don’t leave you. You stare at them with amazement when they still want to keep you even after you’ve showed them a glimpse of what is really going on in your head… but then you feel bad. Like they are going to use it against you and tear you down and leave you…. so you shut them out… in a pit of depression. Saying you need to be alone.
Sitting in the corner blaring whatever music helps you feel a little bit again and you look down to see one of your favorite pocket knife’s open in front of you… you’re body is screaming telling you not to… but your mind says why not feel the pain… feel something… know you’re still alive… do it. Just a little. so you take it… and just hold it… remembering the last time you used it and how you not following box cutter safety caused you to have a little cut on your leg… then for that split second you remember. Why haven’t you done this before? Why haven’t you given into this before? Flashes of your friends and loved ones pass through your head. You grab your head and start sobbing wanting this pain to stop. Hoping wishing praying that you can feel whole again, you hear your phone ting and make other noises. You lift yourself up and look. It’s him…. there’s a slight smile. you want him to run… but you don’t… you hate the fact that you get like this and you hate the thought of him seeing you get this depressed…. you don’t know what happened…. you just feel how you do… you’ve been stuck in your corner holding on to the bit of light left… a shell of your former happy self.
You feel like you fuck up everything and there is no escape… you clench your fist and resist the urge to hit the wall… you’re wrist aches just thinking about it…. not knowing why you’re upset makes everything worse.. makes you more angry and makes you more upset more frustrated… you are silently crying out for help because you don’t want to inconvenience anyone… your problems aren’t important… they don’t care. you’re life is just a giant ball of fucked up and you can’t escape…. those you do talk to make you feel a little better but you don’t share it all because you don’t want them to go away… but then you feel like loneliness is better than having people you don’t deserve… it’s just an endless cycle and you are pounding on the walls of your shell begging.. Pleading… wishing it would stop…
This is the part where I switch it around and say something about there being hope or a light at the end of the tunnel or some shit. But not today… why? Because, I’m not going to sugar coat this. This is me, I wrote this though out a mental breakdown I just had. And I don’t regret it. All my thoughts feelings and what happened is all here…. I am ok and alive… that is all that matters. we all have bad days, bad weeks even, some just end with mental breakdowns… I’ve figured out why it happened but those are details for another day. Goodnight.
Becca H. ❤