Openish letter to the man who’s stealing my heart.

To the man who is trying to steal my heart,
      Its only been a month or so since we met and I know this is all new for you… Though I’ve dated, been kissed and done almost everything else that goes with it…. This is actually new to me as well… I know I said I would never date coworkers but something about you…. I don’t know what it is…. and I’m sitting here freaking out because I’m scared I’m only liking you because you are giving me attention. I’ve been single for 2 months now… so please be patient…. I’ve had my heart broken to much to be eager to have it possibly happen again… I do apologize for that… sometimes I think I should of waited and not eagerly followed a silly boy down here on a thought of forever…. but then I probably wouldn’t of met you… my life would be totally different… do I regret decisions? yes.. every time things don’t work out the way I want them to or when I’m sitting alone with my thoughts…. but it all comes down to you… if it wasn’t for those decisions it wouldn’t of lead me to you…..
I am in somewhat constant fear that I am going to fuck this, whatever this is, up… and my flight or fight response is trying to get you to stop liking me so I don’t have this fear anymore… I’m nervous… I don’t want you to think I’m terrible but at the same time i do… I like you a lot… more than I think is possible for only knowing you for a month or so… and I know you like me… seeing you’ve said it yourself and our mutual friend even notices it. You are innocent when it comes to dating and what to do.. I find that cute… I really like that I can take things slow with you without jumping into bed as soon as we start dating….
And I know you have a lot of waiting to do.. I have a lot of things to sort out myself and I don’t want those reasons to be the reason we don’t work out…. see I want a family and that means I’m not just here to have a fling. that’s why I’m so cautious… I don’t want to invest my heart and soul into you when you aren’t looking for that… I know I’m only in my 20’s but seriously… I don’t want to waste my time anymore… I spent the better half of 5ish years with a man I thought was my forever… but he’s a twat.. the two after that weren’t any better… granted one was a rebound… but details… I don’t know how I feel to be honest…like I said I don’t know if I’m feeling this because you are giving me attention or if it is actually because there is something there…. I don’t want to waste our time based on us “liking” each other…
I ask a few things from you… please be patient with me… I’m just as awkward as you are with this… though I never act like it. my anxiety and depression make it hard to think straight sometimes and makes me want to hide in a corner. my past relationships have also made it hard. I’m used to keeping my emotions bottled up and not sharing how i feel… I’ve been getting better…  its just going to take time for me to talk about how i feel about this and everything. I have a lot of my own issues going on and i really wish you wouldn’t go through them…
I also ask for you to please understand my anxiety and depression and don’t dismiss it as “overreacting” that doesn’t help anything. if I’m having a panic attack over… say my brother being a massive twat… please know that I just need someone to vent to and I trust that to you… I don’t talk to a lot of people.. also I cling, so when I do meet your family or your group of friends I will cling to you… I’m sorry in advance… I have bad social anxiety… I crave having a good first impression. I care what people think about me… I worry about what you think of me… I also get randomly upset and depressed where I just need to be alone… ..understand that its not your fault…. I get that’s way from time to time… its hard to explain…. sometimes I may or may not need you and will be to scared to admit it…. just be there for me and understand that this isn’t overreacting to me.. this is my life… i try to not let it control me but what can I do…
As much as  I don’t mind a jealous boy, I ask that you don’t get to jealous about my guy friends, I work in a department that is mostly guys, and because of my appearance, apparently, I do get a lot of attention… and I do talk to them and it may seem like I’m flirting. heck I might be sometimes and not notice it… I’m sorry…. but I choose you and I want you to know that I wont cheat on you… and yes I’ll talk about my guy friends sometimes and say stuff they did but it doesn’t mean I’m really interested…. I’m to busy keeping you interested to deal with that…
there are many more things that need to be said but I’m also feeling like I’m rambling on and on… bottom line in all this is that please be patient while i work on all my emotions… and all my problems… I don’t want to mess this up… I just need to sort out how I’m feeling so I don’t jump into something we both regret… hopefully this works out and we end up happy together… but for now please bear with me while i deal with my problems… know i like you… and I’m not going anywhere… you’re an amazing person and i enjoy the friendship we do have.. I just hope there’s more..
“I wish I was brave enough to love you” – Brave enough by Lindsey Stirling ft. Christina Perri
Believe in your strength ❤
p.s. to my followers, no I haven’t died… just took time off and have been swamped with work and deadlines… #sendhelp…. haha I finally had a breather to write this. have a good week

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