2 Years of This

          You know what’s funny? you spend your whole life working toward something then it just gets taken away from you or you get dragged to a totally different path because of some backwards system that fucks up everything. one day your working toward getting your biochemistry degree to help get into vet school and the next you’re waking up at 5am to put on a chefs coat and “learn” about how to cook, when its really them just telling you to make something and getting mad when it doesn’t turn out right and your dreams are put on hold because your plan didn’t work out the way you wanted. because you were spoiled as a child or got good grades in high school but it didn’t prepare you for college in any way shape or form, so you’re sitting in a giant lecture hall where pretty much anything goes as long as you do your homework and the whole time during class you’re either texting a cute boy that you so desperately wanted to be your friend or playing candy crush or Pokémon shuffle, or even summoning wars and not paying attention in class… not realizing your failing till it’s too late and you don’t want to ask for help because you’re too scared to ask for it in fear that people think you’re dumb and you don’t know it but your anxiety keeps you from getting that push to get the help and get all the support you need, because you were taught to keep your head up and work hard, but you always had people there who watched over you and helped you to see what you were doing wrong…. but in the real world no one cares if your failing no one really cares if you are sitting alone in a dark room at night crying your eyes out because you don’t know what to do next…. you sit and hope and pray that everything will work out but really everything gets worse. some people say they care, but ask them to help you cope with a breakup or see about hanging out…then you don’t get a response… and don’t get me wrong… there are some out there that really do care and will come to you at midnight with chocolate and wine and stay with you for hours until you don’t feel like you are alone anymore. until you feel like you can face the world again with a smile on your face and mean it. life is though.. that is a lesson that everyone needs to learn at one time or another…. you will get through it and yes there will be plenty of nights where you’re sitting and contemplating life because you don’t know if it’s worth living anymore… you will have sleepless nights where your mind is keeping you up and you are hearing your roommates bed squeak because he can’t stay off his girlfriend for more that 5 seconds, and your thoughts just get worse and worse and deeper and deeper into this dark pit of depression that you have tried to rope off time and time again but the rope brakes and you being to over think the stupidest things, like how someone in a car speeding past you at 45MPH in the opposite direction looked at you. you finally get to point where you want to scream and shout and rip your hair out but you don’t because you have a fear that your roommate finally fell asleep or you live alone in an apartment and  its 3am and you don’t want to wake any neighbors.. so you sit quietly and stare into the darkness  and hope and wish that you either don’t wake up tomorrow or you wake up and you were just having a bad dream and everything’s ok. other times you feel like you have been typing for hours but really it’s only been a few minutes and you have barely written a page….. but at the end of the day. your hopes and dreams can be more than that… they can be goals in your life that make you push to get things done… yeah your plans get messed up, things don’t go as planned. One day you could be up at 7am making ice cream with your classmates who annoy the hell out of you because you aren’t a morning person and you have been doing this to too long… and you don’t know what else to do.. you don’t want to start all over again, and you don’t want to mess up and push your dreams further and further away… but you really don’t want to be doing this now… sometimes it’s easier to remember all the times you have fucked up verses all the times you have done good things, you feel like you’ve been through too much and all hope is lost… and you feel like you are stuck in a rut and you don’t care, you get a new job or an appointment comes up and it changes your schedule a little, it used to make you freak out or over think your schedule, but now you just go through it like it’s been happening every day, and you feel like you are just going through the motions… like your mind is just set on auto pilot and you don’t want to shut it off…. it’s nice to have the break… but it slowly makes you lose control of yourself.. so you change your hair the way you do your makeup get new glasses new clothes… something to try to change something and to feel again… and it doesn’t work… or it makes you feel different for a few days because everyone compliments you on it, but that goes away and you are back to where you were before… finally you take a step back, and look at your life, and then sit down and write a long narrative or whatever this is called and hope that it would shed some light on you and your feelings… you try to listen to those who tell you that to love yourself first and remember that you are always enough, and too keep fighting and keep going but it’s always so hard, sometimes you look at those and realize that is the only reason why you haven’t ended yourself yet or why you do have a smile on your face…. and we have friends or coworkers who make fun of you, and you know they are joking so you let it roll off but a piece of it stays with you and you remember that when you are at your lowest, “maybe I am just a jealous bitch.” “maybe I cant to anything right”” and you don’t want to talk to anyone because of the fear that they will become annoyed with you or that they won’t understand what’s going on. or that you feel like you are imposing your problems onto their busy life and you distracting them from it so they can deal with you…. you just feel so helpless and hope wish and wait for something… anything…. you meet someone at your job… he’s nice and you think he is so beautiful, but you’re awkward,…. so he messages you about covering a shift and you try to flirt… but you don’t think he takes the hint… and you blow it off… it’s your last day at that job…. he hugs you… and you are still fucking awkward… but you roll it off because you don’t know what to do… but you are thinking about it… you feel dumb and like you can do nothing right… but here you are reading this… granted I know there are many guys out there reading this too… but you have felt some of these… maybe not the last thing… but still.. everyone is different.. you are special.. in a good way, of course. I thank you for taking the time to read this long and meaningful post….. I want you to know that I’ve been through this… all of this… there is a lot more that I didn’t put here because some things getting to personal is hard…. but having anxiety and depression is hell… you care but you don’t, you want to but you’re scared. you cry for no reason. or you start having a panic attack in the middle of school…. I’ve been there… I know…. you are not alone…. although it may feel like it… your world may feel like its crumbling beneath your feet but that’s when you have to be strong and keep moving keep fighting, find an outlet, write your own story, sing, dance, go for a drive, surround yourself with friends, draw, smile, laugh ,drink…. but don’t become an alcoholic please. do whatever makes you happy, whatever makes you want to keep living another day… just know there are people out here who love you, friends, family, your dog, that strange man that comes into work and always talks to you about random stuff.  someone once told me that I am strong and I can get through whatever is bothering me because I am stronger than my problem… that was the only time I really talked to him…. and it still stuck in my head. he believed in me when I felt like no one else did… he saw something was wrong and he knew just what to say. he was like my guardian, your guardian is out there looking out for you… he sends little messages like that to you so you can feel better or get encouragement… everyone copes with their problems differently. I’ve had anxiety and depression for almost 2 years now, I’ve tried the meds and they don’t work, that and I can’t get myself to take them everyday… so they don’t work. I used to go to therapy weekly, but, thanks to my therapist, I have gotten to the point where I can go there whenever I need it, which isn’t very often. but get the help you need, go to therapy if you think it will help…. I know that some of you don’t want to go through that “so how does that make you feel” bullshit… and I didn’t either, and my therapist doesn’t do that, I told her at the beginning I just am here to talk and she was able to give me that she didn’t do any of that stereotypical therapist crap, she treated me like a friend and talked me through my problems when I needed it…  but like I said do what makes you happy, do what makes you believe in yourself again. and know that there are many people out there who love you so much and would die if something were to happen to you… smile, love, hope, dream. negativity does come, but it also goes away….. you’re alive and reading this and I am so happy that you are. thank you again for taking the time out of your life to read this…. I hope its inspired you, and maybe helped those who don’t have anxiety or depression to see a little snapshot in the head of those who have it…

Believe in your strength,
Becca H. ❤

 

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