I’ve been dealing with a lot in my life, what I want to do with it, where I want to go, and the ever daunting ‘what I want to be when I grow up’. I’m getting there, I just graduated with my associates and no I’m back at it working toward my Bachelors. I’ve been avoiding many people, thought about rekindling old friendships, got lazy or something. anyway. here’s my ode to life.
I stand before you as the Woman I am now wishing I was the woman I once was, ok maybe not exactly like her, she was a un-opinionated bitch who didn’t know anything about who she was or what she wanted. but now, here I am fighting the world head on trying to survive a week without a breakdown. I think about that woman I once was, she had more friends, wasn’t as ‘bitchy’ and defiantly wasn’t as moody. Then I think to myself about what happened to make me the stronger yet weak woman I am today. I think about the betrayals that happened, those who used me and those who thought they could step all over me (which I let happen btw). until I had enough, those who used me then wonder why I don’t like them or why I don’t talk to them. because I’m over it bitch, my life isn’t going to be used like some doormat or some ramen that’s been sitting in your pantry that your only eating now because theres nothing else in they house and its convent. I am done being told I’m not good enough, done feeling like I’m the worst one in the group. done. over it.
Anxiety, you can kindly go fuck off. you work in the weirdest ways. making me feel nothing, empty, for days then show up and make me so angry and anxious that I break, break like the drinking glass that has fallen too many times and not broken, but then it falls and shatters into a million pieces. or like the snowman that is melting In the middle of January that is now too top heavy. some say that having anxiety feels like your drowning in air. I get that, there are times I feel I tightening in my chest, like I can’t breath, like this is how it ends. I can’t cry or call out because all of the air is escaping me. but I have to work through it, I have to keep moving, life doesn’t stop because I need help, life will never stop for me. I have too much at steak to sit and deal with whats going on. but hey, I just gotta shove those feelings back into the glass bottle inside and paint that smile back on. ‘I got this. one more day and I can sleep in. just one more day and its my day off.’ that’s what I keep telling myself. and it works. till the next breakdown.
last ode to my life is my past. The people in my past who I haven’t seen let alone talked to in years, decided it would be nice to try to squeeze back into my life. and hope that those feelings I had for them would still be there after almost 4 years of nothing. I moved on. and I know you did too, hell you moved on before you even broke up with me. and I’m supposed to come crawling back? nah. you sit here and tell me your sob story about how you’ve changed (but not really cuz she caught you) and you put a ring on her finger, something you promised me about a month before you decided you didn’t love me anymore. yeah I’m supposed to come back after hearing all that. saying that ‘you were the only one that really loved me, unconditionally’… yeah. you want to know why I did bitch. because I was fresh out of highschool and dumb. you pull that shit now… hell ANYONE tries to pull that shit on me now is grass. gone done, like it never happened. cool. I’m not letting you manipulate me. I’m grown up now, I am happy…ish (happy without you anyway).
Do wild things.