Ode to my 2 year long ‘Resting bitch face’

Bitch face, people came up with this word because men were generally unhappy with the fact that women aren’t smiling…. literally…. all the time…. like your working on something at home in your pjs and he goes “yo, you gotta bitch face” and your just like “I’m literally doing research… soo… idk what you want..” so I’ve been thinking about writing odes to things that people would want me to change about myself or how people want me to feel about something… as a way to cope. so here’s my first one. I was going to start a new blog site but I got lazy. so here It goes

“you’ve had a resting bitch face since you started this program… a two year long bitchface’ you say hoping to get a reaction out of me or to rally your friends to gang up on me like you always do. but no. I don’t give in. ‘ I’m focused on not fucking this dish up’ I say lifting my head up and smiling just like my daddy taught me. bitch face, well bitch my face might not actually be the problem. maybe its you, you big mouthed fake hair, nails, maybe fake everything else, thinking you’re better than everyone. bitching about having a child like it was someone else’s fault. quite honestly I don’t like you, so maybe its you. you’re quite obnoxious to be quite honest your royal majesty. ‘I’m about to cuss you out’ something I’m sure you would say in this imaginary conversation.
Then go ahead bitch. do your best. Try and cut me down lower than I already am. try to strip away what little soul I have left. what gets me up in the morning and keeps me going. go ahead bitch. Tell me I’ve had the same bitch face for over 2 years now. you’re the only one that’s noticed it maybe there’s a reason for that. maybe its because its directed at you and your other bitchy friends who, when you are all together, get off on breaking others down, and yes you could mean it as a ‘joke’ and tell me repeatedly that I am no good. asking ‘what are you fucking up today’ sitting on your imaginary throne getting an attitude with anyone and everyone that gets in your way. then wonders why I have a resting bitch face.
Bitch face keeps me from yelling at you. bitch face keeps me hidden away. bitch face keeps me from pulling other faces and causing more problems. so I don’t say anything.  I Smile and answer their question like I was born to please them. what’s wrong with my face, bitch? maybe its the constant Gut wrenching feeling I get when I hear you walk though that silver door. maybe its the loud mothed attitude you have when things aren’t exactly your way your highness. bitch face keeps a wall up, bitch face is safe. bitch face keeps those people away. so I’m ‘sorry’ that I cant smile 24/7 for you princess. tell me about my resting bitch face again bitch, tell me more about it bitch. keep it up tell me to smile, you will be able to feel my blood boil, feel the swarm of bees coming your way like you just threw a stick at their hive.
and please… PLEASE tell me that you were just joking and not to take things so seriously. bitch its been ‘2 year long bitch face’ of me dealing with 2 years of your loud mouthed bullshit.

Say Fuck It and Do Wild Things

Becca

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Final thoughts

Hello all, I know its been a few weeks since my last post. I’ve been thinking a lot about a lot of stuff. generic bullshit, things that aren’t so generic but still bullshit. so with all that I decided that I don’t think I’ll be posting anymore. quite honestly I’ve lost all motivation to do this anymore. I don’t think this is working for any of us anymore. who am I kidding.
There’s just been a lot going on. a lot of personal issues, conflicting issues that I quite honestly hate myself for. I’m not going to sit and lie to all of you about how ‘great’ my life is. cuz its not. no ones life is great, not all the time. some sit here and read this and don’t care but read it anyway because they are bored, on a car ride or alone at home.
So this is my final thoughts, final good bye. I highly doubt I will post some more, if I do it wont be anything too interesting.. just generic bullshit. anyway, its been a fun year of posting and what not, I’m glad I am where I am now… its not perfect but its better than what it was. its taken me 5 days to write this because I have no interest in this.
I’ve decided that I’m done with things. people, issues, mostly people, I can’t think of anything else. I’ve started thinking about me, doing what’s best for me. I’ve started to not chase people for attention, if you want to see me or talk to me make a damned effort. I’m sick and tired of hearing the “i miss  you” “i need to see you” “once I move back to Michigan we will hang out all the time” “i miss my Becca” then we possibly set a day or try to work out when we can, then I don’t hear anything. and this isn’t just one person that’s doing this, its been most, not all, of them. and I hear it ‘it takes two to communicate’ and I know. and I have and I’m not anymore.
If there’s anything I’ve realized I ‘need’ or would like, is action. ‘actions speak louder than words.’ I don’t know who said that but I believe it 100%. saying you miss me vs showing up at my door are two totally different things. and I’ve sat here practically calling for help through my issues and I hear nothing. but whatever. I hear you all loud and clear. part of the reason why I’m stopping this. I don’t care anymore. say what you want about me. say whatever you want to me.
I’ll believe actions.
fuck it, I don’t want to say anymore. I kinda got a dog freaking out cuz of fireworks that I have to deal with so good bye all hope you all do well in your future endeavors.
Say fuck it and do wild things … and… Believe in your strength…. for one final time
Becca H ❤

My Struggle with People

I don’t know what’s wrong with me…. I just don’t like people. granted I have a select few that I like or more ‘tolerate’ than others but a good 90% of people suck maybe even 93% hell I haven’t met them all yet. But from what I can tell I’m not wrong.

And I already hear it, you sitting there bitching saying that not all people are bad and not everyone has a nice side and blah blah blaaahhh. Fuck you. that’s what I have to say to that. just because they have a ‘nice side’ doesn’t mean that they are nice all the time. don’t get me wrong *ahem* for example., some douchebag in my program that I’ve had a few classes with thinks he’s the shit because he works at some fancy ass restaurant. but really he’s just a smelly gremlin and thinks he’s better than anyone else.. k? k. so for like a week this asshole decides to be friends with me, but really he’s doing it because he wants to boink one of my bestfriends…. see, asshole.

NOW. am I saying that I’m not an asshole??!?! NO OF COURSE NOT I go out of my way to be an asshole. I have those that I like and will be nice to then I have those I tolerate who I treat how they treat me, and finally we have everyone else… who I am a complete and utter asshole to….

ANOTHER example, this bitch. my friend has said nothing but good things about this chick and so I’m like ‘ok cool this bitch (meaning it in a nice way here) is going to be awesome,’ my friend thinks so, so that must mean something right? NAH this BEOTCH decides to be a complete asshole to me and overly kiss up to my friend when I’m around,… I’ve known my friend longer than this bitch has known her… don’t act like you were here first.     I. will. destroy. you.      simple. but WHATEVER. hey. I tried to be nice, I WENT OUT OF MY WAY to be nice, which is rare to say the least. and she still treated me like I was some stranger pretending to be nice… k BUH BYE

I know, you’re looking at this and realizing that I might be a *tad* bit over reacting. but hey, disrespect the law and you disrespect me …. sorry for the nerd reference. lol BUT ANYWAY as I was saying. I just have a general hate for all people who I don’t like, which is everyone.. so yeah.

I seem to be able to read people pretty well… ok not really, well most of the time, when its someone I don’t know, does that make sense? good! I don’t know I can just tell when someone is going to be an annoying asshole. or just annoying to the poing where I cant handle it easily. I guess its called a ‘vibe’ or an ‘ora’ or some shit like that. idk. I just have a sense for annoying people.

but it all boils down to one thing… maybe more but I can only think of one for now. I will treat you how you treat me, if you are an asshole to me 80% of the time and that 20% out of the blue you are nice? I’m still going to be an asshole.. why? because if I’ve learned anything, its that people will only change how they act toward you if they want something, like your bestfriend or food, or an invite to your party. it really hasn’t changed and it really wont ever change. granted, some people do change, I’ve seen it, hell I’ve even done it (I was never this much of an asshole). so it does happen. jsut be aware of when people are changing because they want something vs changing because they are growing as a person.

 

Say fuck it and do wild things ❤ (I’m changing my end tagline, hope that’s ok)

Becca H.

To the ‘girl’ who called me a bitch (indirectly)

Bitch,
I’m sorry I should be nicer

Dear asshole,
well not better but fuck it, it’ll do

We were only friends for a few months, though I have known you for longer. you see I remember you when I was working as a janitorial staff at a retail store where you were working as the cute floor staff, along with your now fiancé. I saw him more than I saw you, and that was more scheduling than actually me seeking him more than you. but whatever. I got along with you both but then I was struggling with my anxiety and depression and quit. I didn’t see you in toward the end of time there so I couldn’t tell you I was leaving. fast forward to about 2 or 3 years and i see you walk into my last job I see your now fiancé notice me but I didn’t know if he recognized me. as you completed your shopping and went to leave he came up to me and asked if i remembered you and i responded  “i never forget a face” and laughed a few weeks later I run Into you both again and we talked for a bit, then we add eachother on facebook and talk and then we hangout for the first time. which was fine. actually it was great I thought we were going to be friends

and that’s when things changed….

you were fine, don’t get me wrong. but that damned fiancé of yours. he becoame to much. he seemd to be obsessed with talking to me. he wouldn’t leave me alone… i was to polite to say that he was annoying me because it was a new friendship and i didn’t wanna ruin it. he ‘ran’ an “dank meme” group on facebook, if that doenst tell you what kind of a person he is i don’t know what to tell you. a 28 year old man acting like a 16 year old brat that just discovered the internet. to a certain extent in all about not acting your age… but this was way to much  he was always acting like he was better than me and that what he said was always right…. which you took his side and that made it worse. even when i know we both knew he wasn’t right…. but whatever

and it wouldn’t stop

I introduced you both to my boyfriend, which was risky on my part. but i did it because I felt uncomfortable being the ‘third wheel’ especially with the way he looked at me. not in like a ‘undressing with his eyes’ kind of way but more of a ‘I’m better than you and i don’t care who knows it’ like always making me feel terrible about myself. so one day i decided to fight back, (around the time where I said fuck it and posted something on here about speaking my mind)… this quickly changed things. he became slightly more aggressive in how he talked to me. and you…. you did nothing. so, i fought back more and more…

i had a party in December and you both showed up. which is fine i guess. but it was about 12:30 or 1 am and my best friend left for the night and then you flat out told me that you didn’t like her. you said she was to ‘ loud and obnoxious’ or something along those lines. but really, bitch, that’s why she was my friend. honestly she was the person i wish i could be sometimes, she helped me stay sane. and she was everything. but i blew it off because i wasn’t expecting you two to be friends. and i quite honestly didn’t care if you two were. she was my best friend.

anyway, it seemed to be that we were getting along fine. but something changed… of course something did. you became distant, but of course i didn’t help i wasn’t all about hanging out every week its just to much sometimes. then girls night happened…. i was alone with him for about 1 minunite, but before that he was all up in my face literally, i was so uncomfortable but you said and did nothing. kept doing what you were doing. and whatever, then you left… and this is where he flat out told me ‘i really wanna kiss you right now’ and being a good friend and not an asshole i flat out said no… because i knew what he ment to you and i didn’t want to fuckthat up…. that and he… wasn’t my type… so it would of never happened even if he was singe… i don’t care.

the distance continued, and whatever and he kept messaging me… and i finally snapped. you sent me a ‘dank meme’ involving my boyfriend. saying he was the ‘prettiest princess’ because that’s what i put on my profile picure, it was an inside joke… but whatever. you said something about doing whatever i wanted with it and i said no. because i don’t care about it and didn’t really care about showing my boyfriend. then he retaliated, posting more memes pointed at me and then telling me that you thought i was a bitch. so i went to confront you…. you ignored me. so i apologized if i did anything that hurt you, seeing that it was unintentional. again, you ignored me… then he harassed me for a good 3 days, constaing memes and snarky comments…

fast forward 2 or 3 months

i get a message from you… saying that I was the one that fucked up this friendship. it was ME treating him badly, and being snarky and ‘snobby’ then ending the long message saying that you don’t care what i have to say. so…. i have a few options, reply and point the finger back at him, reply and have dual blame on him and me (which is what i did) or take it publically and show everyone what he has said to me though screenshots and show them what you said to me (which is what i wanted to do… but i am a bigger person hense this… haha) so i politely said that she is blind to hime and told you about the girls night… and tell you that you always took his side and i didn’t feel appreciated… and a few toher things… and again,… you put me on ‘read’ and that is that

so i say this to you.. as a final thought before i close this chapter of my life and the end of my friendship with you. i remember you bitching that you don’t have a friends and that I’m awesome. and take this how you will, but maybe you don’t have friends because he is a childish asshole and you are blinded by the fact that he picked you and he might have possibly brainwashed you in believing you can do no better. but sweetie,, you are only 27 you are hot shit… you could do better.. but whatever. do what makes you happy. hope you read what i said and didn’t just blow it off as me being jealous. enjoy yourself and your ‘happy’ life.

sincerely
The girl who told the truth and got shitted on, or more like, the girl who had enough and spoke her mind….

 

Becca H ❤

Things that you should experience before you die (but don’t have to)

So yes I know I should of posted a post a few weeks ago but really I couldn’t muster up all the thoughts and stuff I had. some days it would of been amazing to write that letter, other days it would of been passive aggressive. lol so I decided to do this just a generic list of things that make me who I am today. I’ve seen may of lists of “20 things you should do before your 20” or “places to see before you die” and I decided that was a chance to this soo here you go

  1. Go on a cruise
    – they are fun and exciting, I went on 2 Disney cruises and I liked them a lot. it was interesting to see different parts of the world and be in a ship, experiencing the culture.
  2. Being yourself for once.
    – yes you read that right. its hard to be yourself sometimes. and sometimes when it feels like you’re being yourself you actually might not be. take a minute and even if its with just one other person and let go. even if it seems weird, it can help. it helped me become more outgoing.
  3. Get stood up (even if you don’t plan to be)
    – being stood up can suck. but it can help you figure out who you are. its going to suck I know. I’ve been there. but it also gives you a chance go out on your own. yes I know it doesn’t make you feel any better. but truth be told, it made me feel better about myself. granted he confessed that he “was to scared to go out with me” but hey it worked. made me feel a little better.
  4. Don’t let people walk all over you.
    -if you’re a slight pushover like me its hard to not let people walk all over me because I like to please everyone. and I hate it when people are mad at me. but it gets to a point where you feel walked on and at some point you have to say fuck them and do what you want. even if it makes people upset, but I mean hey do what you want. and you will be happier
  5. Get a friend that’s just as unstable as you are.
    – my best friend is my rock. she has anxiety and depression like me. and we are there for each other. I know its weird to think that it would work but it does. we understand each other. we know what the other one needs when it. unlike my other friends she actually understands that some days i would rather stay home instead of go out
  6. learn how to slow down for once.
    – life can be so fast and you got to remember to slow down for a second. if you don’t you can get caught stressing more than you think. which might cause you to go a little crazy and dye your hair  (that’s how i handle stress sometimes)
  7. Be patient with your friends who want to hang out but cancel.
    – friends are a blessing and a curse. they are fun to be around but getting there is an issue. whether its schedule conflicts, or the inability to communicate, its always hard for you to get together. but stay strong, and do what i do and don’t hope that it will happen, if it does great if not then plan for another day
  8. Cry
    – Yes its ok to cry sometimes. hell sometimes it just happens because you’ve held it in for so long. but just know that it can help you… it might just mess up your makeup (if you wear it) but hey getting that little emotional pressure out of the way can make a world of difference
  9. Deal with difficult co-workers (and not in the way that you think)
    – sometimes work can be stressful, especially when you have to deal with an annoying co-worker. I’m actually dealing with this one at my current job. hes to…. much…. to say the least some times you just need a break from them but you cant… you learn more about what you do and it helps you focus. even though they might just piss you the fuck off. but it helps with patients
  10. Get a job where the boss gets you
    – my job is one of those “dream jobs” i get to make my own hours, as long as i get the job done and get it done right. but there are those rare occasions where I do se eher at work. and it is amazing. she hears me and is fun to joke with. and there are times when we don’t speak and just work.
    And finally
  11. Just say “fuck it” and do wild things
    – literally what it says, go on an adventures, dye your hair, travel, fall in love do something you don’t usually do.  have fun and at least keep with you do legal

Believe in your strength
Becca H. ❤

More Book Writing

I didn’t realize its  been 23 days since I posted anything and I decided that wouldn’t fly. I’ve been writing a little more, although I’ve also been slacking… meh… lol lets hope its just as good as the last post. its more of a continuation because that’s as far as I’ve got.

here we go

       Jamie shutters at what she just saw… she looks at her notes… she rarely writes anything when Casiana is in the room…. She only jots down important problems… Today there were only two notes… nothing unusual the past few months… She pulls the door to her cabinet and pulls out Casiana’s file… its gotten bigger over the years… Only about an inch or so big by now…. she thumbs through the notes and looks at how much they both have changed, what they have talked about and what the plans were for the future… She laughs at one of the pages, Casiana had major trust issues and Jamie made her be her therapist and listen to what Jamie had to say, as an exercise… She adds todays notes and pushes it back into the cabinet….

Casiana finally makes it home. She hated taking the bus but didn’t trust walking, not anymore anyway. She closes the door behind her and is immediately greeted by her 25 lb pomski. She walks to the slider and opens it, and then the eager poof runs out the door. she watches the puppy jump happily around the back yard… she remembers what it was like before… before the pain before the torture… she shutters briefly… It feels like a dream every time she thinks about things before, like it never actually happened, like she was going to wake up and be stuck in that cold dark room again…

She gasps and opens here eyes. She’s staring at the ceiling. she shoots up and looks around… ‘I must of fainted again’ said mumbled to herself… she’s not sure how long she’d been out…. she looks at the clock.. ‘its only been 5 minutes’ she thought briefly sighing of relief… she then feels slight pressure on her bladder… she looks to. see her puppy standing and staring at her..

‘Alright. Rosie that’s enough… moms ok. go lay down…’ she says as she pushes Rosie off of her lap… she gets up slowly and proceeds to head to the living room. she stands in the entryway head spinning from the day. Thoughts and feelings rush through her head. she grips onto the wall trying to keep herself from falling again. she thinks about her therapy session, she feels her stomach turn remembering what she said, what happened. she sighs deeply shaking her head slightly….

She slowly makes her way to the couch, she sat down and pulled out a black notebook with gold pages and opened to where the red bookmark held its place. she took a deep breath and took a pen that was on the table. she took a deep breath and started writing, she kept a journal about every time she passed out, and what happened before it. she started tearing up and looked up. ‘it usually isn’t this painful’ she thought clenching the pen in her hand, ‘what is wrong with me’ she adjusted slightly and took a deep breath.. she finished her thoughts and quickly tucked the journal away.

She sits and knows that there is no other way, its better on paper than in her head. she grabs the remotes to her tv and xbox and turned on netflix. ‘something simple to keep my mind off of things’ she mumbled… ‘no… no… no… hell no…. fuck this…’  she sighed and settled for Supernatural, she’s watched this 100x but its always her go to… it reminds her that life could be worse.

She is shaken from her trance when her phone starts ringing. ‘ what the fuck’ she said. she picked it up to check who it is… unknown number…. she stares at it for a second and answers it… “hello?” she said with a shaky voice.

“Didn’t think I would find you did you?” a dark husky voice said over the line, it kinda sounded like the voice was being disguised but she recognized the voice all to well

“How the hell did you get this number?” she said with a stern voice with a hint of fear… she closed her eyes and hoped that he didn’t sense the fear

“hehe… that therapist of yours is very talkative, I see why you like her” he paused hoping to hear a response” but remember Bitch you’re mine. I will get you back”

She muted the phone and panted in fear.. why now? breathing heavily she calms herself and unmutes the phone… “I thought you were in jail…” she said trailing off

“You think a jail cell would keep me away from you?” he said gloatingly, like he was proud of it., “but I have once simple problem sweetie… I cant figure out where you live, the Doc doesn’t have your address anywhere at least anywhere at the office… be a dear and tell me where you live.”

Her breathing got heavier and she decided enough was enough, she hung up and quickly shut her phone off. she runs to the Bedroom and looks out the window.. frantically looking for any signs of him or his gang… she sighs briefly and backs away from the window. she walks over to her bed and reaches under her bed and grabs a spare phone. she knew one day this would happen so she always kept two phones around ‘ if there’s one thing that asshole was good for it was this’ she laughed to herself… she quickly opened the phone and started looking for Jamie’s number. ‘I have to make sure she’s ok… I would die if something happened because of me’  she shuddered at the thought and put the phone to her ear.

Well lets hope that was as good as the last one.. By birthday is tomorrow so I’m excited for that… haha have a good week

Believe in your strength ❤
Becca H

Open Letter to my Past

To the ones of my past

It’s been a while hasn’t it? Sorry not sorry for not keeping in touch with you like we said we would… but really it’s hard to “just be friends” with someone you gave your time and attention with. And honestly, you became a douche bag; I didn’t understand what I did to deserve that kind of treatment after we broke up. I’m sorry if my family had some influence on our relationship or us remaining friends or not. After a while I realized that they can be a little psychotic…. And I apologize that my actions during the relationship and after may not have been the best….

If we were to meet again, which gods hoping that doesn’t happen, you would see that I have grown up. Actually and truly, you might not agree that it’s that easy, but it is for me. ihave let go of my past, for the most part that’s why I am writing this. Yes I am a little “salty”, so to say, about how it ended and our actions following the breakup. I don’t know if you would be happy to hear this or not but I have done a lot and I feel like I am finally successful in my academic life, I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life. And how I’m going to get there… I feel like I’m finally happy, happy and accomplished. And this is the part where I tell you I found someone who makes me feel completely happy and that I think he’s the one… but really I thought the same thing about you… I didn’t realize how wrong I was. The shitty treatment was on both sides of our relationship, between the lies and the cheating, to the borderline physical abuse. I stayed loyal, so I ask this simple question. Why couldn’t you…. Did I really bore you that much that you had to find someone else to entertain you?

And honestly im glad you found someone… I’m not thrilled about the age…. But at least you’re not going to jail because she’s illegally young. But whatever I guess that’s someone else you can manipulate like you did me… anyway…. I hope she makes you grow as a person and helps you out with any and all needs that you may have.

When I have seen you at my work did you see me? Do you even recognize me anymore? Or do you just ignore me and hope I don’t see you? I had a lot of panic attacks when I would see you at my job…. I don’t know why… maybe because I remember all the memories I’ve repressed. All the ones that made me happy or all the ones that make me question why I ever dated you for as long as I did. I don’t know. My vision blurs my heart races I can’t seem to function… but thanks to my therapist and my life experiences I have learned how to not have a full mental breakdown and how to calm myself .. Which helps…..

All and all I hope all is well and I hope you and your family are doing alright… if you need it I am still here for you… just apologies in advance if I am snarky or ignore you or be a giant bitch. I’m not expecting you to actually reach out to me….

This is my last goodbye, the final thought that I shouldn’t even give you because of how it all played out.

Becca H ❤less-than-inspiring-wallpapers-2-2

Thoughts from Ginger

So I’ve been thinking a lot recently, I know dangerous right? and I’ve come to the conclusion that no one in our fucked up society will ever be truly happy. Yes one can argue that there are people out there who are truly happy, but I mean more of a whole. For example, the recent election (I can feel your eyeroll) no one was really happy with either canidate, no matter who won someone would get pissed off and protest or riot even, and then spew their views all over social media because that’s where we all air out our dirty laundry… and then everyone either disagrees or agrees and then there’s a giant argument that breaks out then that causes more problems. Then there’s those who want to be “natural” and not wear a lot of make up, when you make yourself feel good and think you look good society is right there waiting to tear you down and make you feel like a “painted whore” and then when you actually go natural people say that its “false advertising” and some other bullshit like that. No one is truly happy about anything. we all get pissed about something no matter how big or little. whether is something on social media or not. we can’t sit and sensor everything and make everyone happy. it just doesn’t work. we can’t please everyone.

Social media is another, I wouldn’t say issue, but it can be a problem. my best friend who I love to pieces, recently stopped using ALL social media. I mean all of it, facebook, snapchat, insagram, you name it she got rid of it. and I love her for that. we all spend our time staring at our phones, and we don’t realize the true beauty around us. and what its turning into. Statistically people spend 40 min on social media, we are all guilty of doing this, I know it. some people get so caught up on making sure they don’t post so much so their followers don’t get annoyed, or making sure there stories aren’t super long, or making sure you Instagram every time you sit in front of food. It gets to the point where we should put our phones down and talk to those we have been dying to see for so long, like a friend that you haven’t seen because your schedules don’t match up, or a grandmother who actually made an effort to drive 45 minutes to see you and see your new house. Time to put it away people… enjoy life face to face not behind a phone screen, now I’m not saying delete social media and what not, just don’t stare at it, enjoy the world around you. its ok to take a few photos. don’t get me wrong. We have been so dependent on these little light up bricks we call phones that we have lost sight of our future as a society, and what our earth is coming to. wake up and smell the roses, don’t tweet about it. the world wont stop because you didn’t post that you’re going to the same restaurant you were at 2 days ago with the same people as last time.

With those said I have decided on a lot of thing. many of which will help me figure out who is really there for me and who is just a fake bitch. I have had enough of being lied to, cheated on, stabbed in the back, talked about and worrying about it. I’ve decided I’m going to say it like it is, be more blunt, less filtered, to a certain extent I know it would bite me in the ass.. so maybe not 100% unfiltered, I know when I need to be nice. and I will be, but I’m NOT going to fake it anymore. fuck everyone, fuck fake people. I am so done with the drama, if I knew being an adult would be like being in high school I wouldn’t of tired so hard to get out of there.  everyone is worried about self image, at this point I will only do stuff if I think it looks good or if I want to do it. not because its the latest trend. but because I think it’s fun and exciting.

With that I have been focusing a lot on my school and work life. I got a new job thank Christ (or really whatever is up there) which is a lot more relaxed so that’s amazing. my life is getting better. With my health issues, that I think I have mentioned in my previous posts, I have still managed to keep a positive out look about it. although, all these stupid tests haven’t given me ANY answers. they have thrown me on a shit ton of supplements which seem to help but I am terrible at taking pills so they aren’t doing much. but whatever. As far as this blog goes. I’m sorry that i haven’t been posting. this was actually supposed to go up a few days ago but when I went to do it my mind completely blanked.

Thank you all for your support and the likes I get here and there. see you soon

Believe in your strength ❤
Becca H.

 

Little thing called trust

Trusting someone can be a difficult thing, sometimes its easy, other times its hard and you cant muster up the courage to trust someone in fear that you will get hurt again… I can honestly say I have trust issues. I’ve had them since my first real relationship…. it lasted about 4 years and something snapped around year 3 where I didn’t trust him as much anymore…. but I stayed with him… you are probably thinking “why?”… and that’s honestly because I still loved him. or at least I thought I did.. I did digging and found some things that made me not trust him as much, but I was hoping I was misinterpreting it and I was just going crazy. then another year past and we parted ways.

It’s hard to trust someone even when you have reason not to. but when you don’t believe someone you become the bitch and it makes things harder…. it took me six solid months to fully trust someone after that. he literally gave me no reason not to trust him. I was just to insecure and scared. he had a lot more girl friends I got jealous. then when I finally trusted him I believed anything and everything…. even after we broke up, I still believed him and trusted him…. then I found the sick truth, that since the moment we broke up he had been lying to me… acting like he was single and alone when really he was dating someone not even 3 weeks after we broke up.. and with someone way younger…. of course I found out from her because I was her friend..

It just goes to show you that trust is blind. you don’t realize that you’re being lied to until its to late.. once you find out about the lies and the way he  “didn’t want to cause drama” it makes you question every single thing he has ever told you… you begin to believe that everything he told you was a lie. you feel completely and utterly stupid until you cant take it anymore. I remember the moment I found out. I literally crawled into bed shaking and feeling like I was going to vomit and many other things until I called my boyfriend, I’ve mentioned him before. I felt so bad about talking about my past but it was like 3am and I knew he was awake. oddly enough he made everything better without really even trying. We started talking about everything and nothing all at the same time it made me feel 100% better… I still felt kind of dumb but really it didn’t happen I wouldn’t know how strong my feelings for this man are….

anyway have a good rest of you’re week. that’s my little rant for the next few weeks.

Believe in your strength ❤

Becca.

 

Fluff You, You Fluffing Fluff

Do you ever get that day, or maybe even week where you feel like nothing is going right? Like everything in this world is shit and no matter how hard you try you keep getting buried under it. You sit and think that you cant do anything right and you just are complete fuck up and the world would be better off without you…. Usually how it goes right? yeah pretty much.. haha  and during these days you are moody and emotional and you just want affection from those you love but you know if you get it you will just get annoyed and want nothing to do with them. You want to be secluded but you know that that is no way for anyone to live.

Just a swill of emotion and pain. You get in this sick rut and everything pisses you off and no amount of time off or days off will make it any better…. Plus on top of that you are getting sick and your boyfriend is trying to make you feel better and you love it and appreciate it but you really don’t want it. You’re mind and feelings are making you second guess anything and everything until  you want to scream your head off. And sometimes it gets worse because all the wrong people message you constantly and it gets to the point where you want to throw your phone or tell them to honestly fuck off because you’re sick of the pity party or the constant texting even though you rarely ever reply.. I’m such a bitch I swear.

Anyway, you feel like you’re grasping at straws hoping that something will make you feel again. something will pull you out of this bottomless pit that you thrust yourself in time and time again. All you really want to do is escape but you honestly don’t have time for that. because school and work and you’re so called “social life” consume you and you just need a break. The constant nagging of everyone and everything is slowly but surly driving you completely insane. And you know the stress is consuming you and is taking control of you’re actions. so what do you do? Put on that fake smile you know how to do all to well and hope and pray that someone doesn’t start pressing buttons and cause you to explode. Because when that happens you become the bitch. Even though you warned them plenty-a-good time that shit will hit the fan if they keep pushing. But do they listen? Never… Holy hell do they not listen. Then wonder why you are yelling and screaming at them. But no, no matter what it’s still your fault. and you sit and crave their approval so you take the blame and apologize *eye roll* when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.. really… Honest to goodness… I mean yes you shouldn’t of screamed at them… but like I said, you warned the bastard that tried to be funny. so honesty they can sick it cuz there is nothing wrong with you expressing your feelings.

But honestly its been a shit week and I just want it to be over but its not going to be because I never actually have a day off… its a constant slur of work and school and you never have a day where you can shut down and not have to do or think about anything at all.. but of course not… why would you need one of those. fuck. well I’m still kicking and breathing so I’m sure that this will pass… I’ve been having a lot of health issues so I’ve been stupid worried about that…. and I’ve had more tests then I would like done and they still don’t know what the fack is going on… ugh. but whatever.

You all have a good week or what-have you. sleep tight and don’t take shit from anyone… unless its your boss or they pay you.

Believe in your strength ❤

Becca H.