Final thoughts

Hello all, I know its been a few weeks since my last post. I’ve been thinking a lot about a lot of stuff. generic bullshit, things that aren’t so generic but still bullshit. so with all that I decided that I don’t think I’ll be posting anymore. quite honestly I’ve lost all motivation to do this anymore. I don’t think this is working for any of us anymore. who am I kidding.
There’s just been a lot going on. a lot of personal issues, conflicting issues that I quite honestly hate myself for. I’m not going to sit and lie to all of you about how ‘great’ my life is. cuz its not. no ones life is great, not all the time. some sit here and read this and don’t care but read it anyway because they are bored, on a car ride or alone at home.
So this is my final thoughts, final good bye. I highly doubt I will post some more, if I do it wont be anything too interesting.. just generic bullshit. anyway, its been a fun year of posting and what not, I’m glad I am where I am now… its not perfect but its better than what it was. its taken me 5 days to write this because I have no interest in this.
I’ve decided that I’m done with things. people, issues, mostly people, I can’t think of anything else. I’ve started thinking about me, doing what’s best for me. I’ve started to not chase people for attention, if you want to see me or talk to me make a damned effort. I’m sick and tired of hearing the “i miss  you” “i need to see you” “once I move back to Michigan we will hang out all the time” “i miss my Becca” then we possibly set a day or try to work out when we can, then I don’t hear anything. and this isn’t just one person that’s doing this, its been most, not all, of them. and I hear it ‘it takes two to communicate’ and I know. and I have and I’m not anymore.
If there’s anything I’ve realized I ‘need’ or would like, is action. ‘actions speak louder than words.’ I don’t know who said that but I believe it 100%. saying you miss me vs showing up at my door are two totally different things. and I’ve sat here practically calling for help through my issues and I hear nothing. but whatever. I hear you all loud and clear. part of the reason why I’m stopping this. I don’t care anymore. say what you want about me. say whatever you want to me.
I’ll believe actions.
fuck it, I don’t want to say anymore. I kinda got a dog freaking out cuz of fireworks that I have to deal with so good bye all hope you all do well in your future endeavors.
Say fuck it and do wild things … and… Believe in your strength…. for one final time
Becca H ❤

Open Letter to My Best Friend

To my best friend

We’ve only been in each others lives for just over a year or so now. but it feels like I’ve known you my whole life. you just get me. You’re the sister I never wanted but the one I got my choice and I’m I’m so happy that you’re in my life. It’s been a wild ride and I’m glad I met you, I feel like I’ve been saying that a lot and its only 4 lines in. haha. I’ve been working on this letter for months now. I just couldn’t see myself sitting down and writing this in one sitting… I fee like it wouldn’t be fair to you. so I took time a wrote it, granted most of the time that I am chipping away at this you are sitting next to me in class because we both know that we aren’t paying attention. you’re probably on pinterest and I’m attempting to pay attention and catch up on facebook….

Anyway, I remember the first day we met, almost like it was yesterday. it was the first day of summer crops class and I didn’t want to be there. it was 2pm and I was tired from the baking class I had that morning. I walked in and sat in the front row. furthest away from the door, though I never liked the front row. then people started trickling in. you being one of the and you sat next to a girl who was next to me. Then our teacher, who we both thought was hot, asked us to get into groups and introduce ourselves to the group. then after we had to introduce a member of the group to the class.. ya know usual first day bullshit. so we went around and we got to me. I then stated that I wasn’t a people person. more of I didn’t like people. our group laughed and we went on. you admitted that you loved people. I didn’t know how i felt about you. or really anyone in the class… but i figured we wouldn’t talk much more than that. then a few weeks later we got assigned our farm groups. and I wasn’t a huge fan of who I was with. you came up to me and we talked about it and then with a big smile you said “YOU SHOULD COME TO UFO WITH ME AND WE CAN CARPOOL” and that’s how it started. how our friendship started. a 45 min drive east, once a week we got to know each other really well. we laughed about stupid stuff and were practically joined at the hip at one point….

and at that point I knew I wasn’t going to get rid of you. not that I wanted to. haha. you were my rock. there when I needed it even when you didn’t know that I did. our wild adventures taught me about myself. I slightly envied you, you were what I always wanted to be. that wild and care free spirit, I was always to worried about taking that jump. that’s why I am how I am. I can say that you changed me. you made me feel a lot happier. you made me a little more care free, more daring to do things. go out and have fun. though I do love being home. not the point

I look up to you while still doing my own thing. you are hella supportive and it helps me stay focused. and I’m sorry that I have been weird lately. I don’t deserve someone like me. i am a giant pain in the ass if you haven’t noticed already. I feel like I always screw things up. and I’m sorry if i cause any unnecessary stress…. I don’t meant to….. i love you and you only deserve the best. I’m sorry if i broke your trust. I’m sorry things got weird, and I didn’t mean to, I never mean to hurt you in any way. and always know i am here for you just like you are here for me. I’m just a short drive away. or even a call or a text. say the word and i will be in my car on the way to you. I have been and always will be there for you… even if we haven’t talked for years.

I love you and I always will

your best friend, till your sick of me ❤

Becca H.

Beautiful People Never Know Who to Trust

Good morning and welcome back to “what’s Fucked Up Today” I’m your host Becca! but seriously hello all. I realized I never say hi to you people so…. hi!

I’m doing better, not 100% but I’m here.  to recap on the last blogs title (which I avoided to do last time) TBH the blog was going to take a different turn than what it did but by the time I started writing it didn’t seem right to carry it on… plus like it says. I really couldn’t think of a title…. I’ve watched “13 reasons why” and I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it. id have to watch it again to know for sure.

Anywhoo…. todays title will probably hold to what the blog has to say. well for the most part (and yes, that is a quote from Guardians of the Galaxy 2… just sayin).

Trust has always been an issue of mine, I give it up to easily to those who don’t deserve it or I don’t give it to those who I should. I am very bad at that… and because of that I have trust issues… and latetly I take things more personally. like things that don’t normally bother me. I have an example but I was hoping to use that later in this soooo no example for you. Idk but it affecting my relationships, but that kinda turns into finding out their priorities and whatever.

Social media has been a cause of this. I’m so sick of it but I’m also so addicted. Facebook, Tumblr, Snapchat, Reddit, Instagram and many other things. they are ways to keep us connected but they actually distance us from each other. pretty much being “if your not in my 1000 friends list then I don’t care” for some of course. not all… seeing I only have around 100 “friends” on any given social media site…. I used to have thousands…. downsizing is a good thing.. anyway. it can get you in trouble…. people are too sensitive…. like I get it don’t make a joke about “sensitive” things, but then you turn around and make fun of something I have/ believe in? k bitch…. and everyone can see what your doing…. and can see when you post 500 stories of you with you driving hours to see friends and hanging out with other friends. after you tell them that your job will make you “so busy that you wont have a social life”….. liar. you just don’t want to see me (this was the example btw). and then get upset when you don’t see me or whatever. and you might be reading this right now and it might make you mad at me… and ya know… I was hoping to talk to you in person… but I can never seem to see you…. you’re always so ‘busy’.

I don’t do much… I really only hang out with one person lately… which I’m not even mad about…. he is amazing and he’s been there for me. I can say I honestly fell in love with my best friend… anyway. I don’t hang out with anyone. I try to make plans then they don’t follow through… sometimes both parties faults. sometimes just mine. but whatever. so I choose not to make plans anymore…. I recently kinda reconnected with one of my old bestfriends, we worked together two different times and then we kinda disconnected, she moved further away and I focused on school. it happens. but shes moving back soon and we started talking again. its wonderful.. I didn’t realize how much I missed her. so yeah. that’s all good and dandy.

I kinda lost my place in what I was going to say…kinda stepped away from my computer for a bit…. so….. fuck…. hold on.

ah yes the dreaded social media. theres always that thing saying ‘think before you post’ and quite honestly that’s true. but then again some people like the drama and the things that cause it. and I get it, posting your stories and picures lets people know what your doing… which is nice. its fun to see them…. but when I don’t do much and I want to see you and youre hanging out with people that are more important to you… then fine. I wont fight for a spot in your life if there isn’t one to be fought for…. I’m trying to limit my use of social media so I’m not feeling this constant dread…… which is easier now that I got my internship, a job, an online class, and my boo just started first shift, so I’ve been avoiding my phone a lot more.  and don’t get me wrong. I love seeing you happy. and I’m gald that you are. but don’t pull the ‘I’m busy’ card when you don’t acutally want to see me…… I feel like I’m going to get a text after you read this…. cant wait…

trust is a finicky thing. it can help or hurt you…. we are what society calls ‘ugly’ those who stick around you  love your personality and you can put your full trust in them…. those of us (apparently me… though I don’t see it) who are called ‘beautiful’ have a harder time. you are being loved for your looks and what you can ‘put out’. trust in them is a mistake…..  but those of us that are lucky get a few who fall in love with your personality and your looks.. you can trust them, maybe. again people suck.

Now back to your regular scheduled program…

Say fuck it and do wild things,
Becca H. ❤

Welcome to your tape (not really. couldn’t think of a title)

Well fuck.

it is currently around 1:40 AM and I’ve been toying with the idea of writing another post so soon for a few days now… but here I am so here we go.

I sit here and pretend I have my life all together when really I don’t… the past few days I’ve been on the loosing end of my endless battle with depression…. Thank god my anxiety isn’t tagging along though…. and I know some of you are asking why I’m not talking to a friend or someone about it, but its one of those times when you do have these depression spurts that you really have no explanation, and I really didn’t wanna hear “just kinda in a funk huh?” or “well what made you feel this way.. what set it off” gurl if I knew I would of told you.  It’s just one of those things that I just cant shake off. I’ve been working hard to get my life stable, I just changed my life plan around and am now getting my bachelors instead of just my associates. Which is good. And I’m trying to get my internship squared away so I can start sooner than beginning of June, lets just say I’ve had a lot of paperwork, so I haven’t really had a chance to have a clear head for more than 2 minutes. And I think I am a borderline insomniac… or something…. I have days where I just cant sleep so I lay there with my eyes closed… and cant sleep… or when I do lately I’ve been up at exactly 8am… yes I said exactly 8. like 8:00:00am ( or at least I’m pretty damned sure).

It’s gotten to the point where I honestly don’t care what happens… like a few nights ago I was having a hard time sleeping (didn’t help that my dog wasn’t laying still and was all over the house) but I swear to whatever is up there that someone was watching me… and I just didn’t care. I usually would of grabbed one of my many knives or my tazer and had it close at hand. but I literally just barely looked around and that’s it… I just don’t know what’s wrong…

so here I am its almost 2am and for the rest of this until I think its long enough I think I’m just going to start ‘free writing’ random bullcrap, poetry type things. I’ve been watching Neil Hilborn’s stuff so hopefully it will be as good as his. (BTdubs I’m completely ignoring my title if you didn’t notice. lol)

You were my third real love. You meant so much to me. I know its hard to imagine, seeing that you would never see me that way. But I was there, I didn’t make a fool of myself, I know not to do that with women. Well, I make a fool out of myself no matter what.

You made me happy and smile and forget about all the bad shit that happens in life, makes me what to hold each moment like its our last, and I never wanted to let it go. My heart stopped when you entered the room and your beauty took my breath away. speaking to you was easy. So loving you made it easier.

But something changed, you sat there still bubbly as ever, and I couldn’t help but notice something was off. Then I realized he came into your life. I was angry yet happy yet upset and any other emotion you could think of. You talked about him before but I never thought anything of it. You always stated that it wasn’t going to turn into anything. But now, now its real.  He’s holding you, kissing you’ and loving you in more ways that I can imagine…

You left me, well not really you were still with me but you weren’t ever mine. You’re spending more time with him and making it hard for me, I want you to be happy.

This was never a real option; what I wanted you and I to have, but it was fun to hope right? Lay on my bed with the doors unlocked sitting and thinking if someone where to come in and murder me I would warmly accept it, like the first day we hugged. It may seem dramatic, but I’ve wasted so much time on so many people that it didn’t matter.  Maybe I am being dramatic, maybe I am over reacting. But who really knows now anyway. Your happy that’s all that matters. I love you and don’t you forget it.

 

Say fuck it and do wild things ❤

Becca H.

My Struggle with People

I don’t know what’s wrong with me…. I just don’t like people. granted I have a select few that I like or more ‘tolerate’ than others but a good 90% of people suck maybe even 93% hell I haven’t met them all yet. But from what I can tell I’m not wrong.

And I already hear it, you sitting there bitching saying that not all people are bad and not everyone has a nice side and blah blah blaaahhh. Fuck you. that’s what I have to say to that. just because they have a ‘nice side’ doesn’t mean that they are nice all the time. don’t get me wrong *ahem* for example., some douchebag in my program that I’ve had a few classes with thinks he’s the shit because he works at some fancy ass restaurant. but really he’s just a smelly gremlin and thinks he’s better than anyone else.. k? k. so for like a week this asshole decides to be friends with me, but really he’s doing it because he wants to boink one of my bestfriends…. see, asshole.

NOW. am I saying that I’m not an asshole??!?! NO OF COURSE NOT I go out of my way to be an asshole. I have those that I like and will be nice to then I have those I tolerate who I treat how they treat me, and finally we have everyone else… who I am a complete and utter asshole to….

ANOTHER example, this bitch. my friend has said nothing but good things about this chick and so I’m like ‘ok cool this bitch (meaning it in a nice way here) is going to be awesome,’ my friend thinks so, so that must mean something right? NAH this BEOTCH decides to be a complete asshole to me and overly kiss up to my friend when I’m around,… I’ve known my friend longer than this bitch has known her… don’t act like you were here first.     I. will. destroy. you.      simple. but WHATEVER. hey. I tried to be nice, I WENT OUT OF MY WAY to be nice, which is rare to say the least. and she still treated me like I was some stranger pretending to be nice… k BUH BYE

I know, you’re looking at this and realizing that I might be a *tad* bit over reacting. but hey, disrespect the law and you disrespect me …. sorry for the nerd reference. lol BUT ANYWAY as I was saying. I just have a general hate for all people who I don’t like, which is everyone.. so yeah.

I seem to be able to read people pretty well… ok not really, well most of the time, when its someone I don’t know, does that make sense? good! I don’t know I can just tell when someone is going to be an annoying asshole. or just annoying to the poing where I cant handle it easily. I guess its called a ‘vibe’ or an ‘ora’ or some shit like that. idk. I just have a sense for annoying people.

but it all boils down to one thing… maybe more but I can only think of one for now. I will treat you how you treat me, if you are an asshole to me 80% of the time and that 20% out of the blue you are nice? I’m still going to be an asshole.. why? because if I’ve learned anything, its that people will only change how they act toward you if they want something, like your bestfriend or food, or an invite to your party. it really hasn’t changed and it really wont ever change. granted, some people do change, I’ve seen it, hell I’ve even done it (I was never this much of an asshole). so it does happen. jsut be aware of when people are changing because they want something vs changing because they are growing as a person.

 

Say fuck it and do wild things ❤ (I’m changing my end tagline, hope that’s ok)

Becca H.

To the ‘girl’ who called me a bitch (indirectly)

Bitch,
I’m sorry I should be nicer

Dear asshole,
well not better but fuck it, it’ll do

We were only friends for a few months, though I have known you for longer. you see I remember you when I was working as a janitorial staff at a retail store where you were working as the cute floor staff, along with your now fiancé. I saw him more than I saw you, and that was more scheduling than actually me seeking him more than you. but whatever. I got along with you both but then I was struggling with my anxiety and depression and quit. I didn’t see you in toward the end of time there so I couldn’t tell you I was leaving. fast forward to about 2 or 3 years and i see you walk into my last job I see your now fiancé notice me but I didn’t know if he recognized me. as you completed your shopping and went to leave he came up to me and asked if i remembered you and i responded  “i never forget a face” and laughed a few weeks later I run Into you both again and we talked for a bit, then we add eachother on facebook and talk and then we hangout for the first time. which was fine. actually it was great I thought we were going to be friends

and that’s when things changed….

you were fine, don’t get me wrong. but that damned fiancé of yours. he becoame to much. he seemd to be obsessed with talking to me. he wouldn’t leave me alone… i was to polite to say that he was annoying me because it was a new friendship and i didn’t wanna ruin it. he ‘ran’ an “dank meme” group on facebook, if that doenst tell you what kind of a person he is i don’t know what to tell you. a 28 year old man acting like a 16 year old brat that just discovered the internet. to a certain extent in all about not acting your age… but this was way to much  he was always acting like he was better than me and that what he said was always right…. which you took his side and that made it worse. even when i know we both knew he wasn’t right…. but whatever

and it wouldn’t stop

I introduced you both to my boyfriend, which was risky on my part. but i did it because I felt uncomfortable being the ‘third wheel’ especially with the way he looked at me. not in like a ‘undressing with his eyes’ kind of way but more of a ‘I’m better than you and i don’t care who knows it’ like always making me feel terrible about myself. so one day i decided to fight back, (around the time where I said fuck it and posted something on here about speaking my mind)… this quickly changed things. he became slightly more aggressive in how he talked to me. and you…. you did nothing. so, i fought back more and more…

i had a party in December and you both showed up. which is fine i guess. but it was about 12:30 or 1 am and my best friend left for the night and then you flat out told me that you didn’t like her. you said she was to ‘ loud and obnoxious’ or something along those lines. but really, bitch, that’s why she was my friend. honestly she was the person i wish i could be sometimes, she helped me stay sane. and she was everything. but i blew it off because i wasn’t expecting you two to be friends. and i quite honestly didn’t care if you two were. she was my best friend.

anyway, it seemed to be that we were getting along fine. but something changed… of course something did. you became distant, but of course i didn’t help i wasn’t all about hanging out every week its just to much sometimes. then girls night happened…. i was alone with him for about 1 minunite, but before that he was all up in my face literally, i was so uncomfortable but you said and did nothing. kept doing what you were doing. and whatever, then you left… and this is where he flat out told me ‘i really wanna kiss you right now’ and being a good friend and not an asshole i flat out said no… because i knew what he ment to you and i didn’t want to fuckthat up…. that and he… wasn’t my type… so it would of never happened even if he was singe… i don’t care.

the distance continued, and whatever and he kept messaging me… and i finally snapped. you sent me a ‘dank meme’ involving my boyfriend. saying he was the ‘prettiest princess’ because that’s what i put on my profile picure, it was an inside joke… but whatever. you said something about doing whatever i wanted with it and i said no. because i don’t care about it and didn’t really care about showing my boyfriend. then he retaliated, posting more memes pointed at me and then telling me that you thought i was a bitch. so i went to confront you…. you ignored me. so i apologized if i did anything that hurt you, seeing that it was unintentional. again, you ignored me… then he harassed me for a good 3 days, constaing memes and snarky comments…

fast forward 2 or 3 months

i get a message from you… saying that I was the one that fucked up this friendship. it was ME treating him badly, and being snarky and ‘snobby’ then ending the long message saying that you don’t care what i have to say. so…. i have a few options, reply and point the finger back at him, reply and have dual blame on him and me (which is what i did) or take it publically and show everyone what he has said to me though screenshots and show them what you said to me (which is what i wanted to do… but i am a bigger person hense this… haha) so i politely said that she is blind to hime and told you about the girls night… and tell you that you always took his side and i didn’t feel appreciated… and a few toher things… and again,… you put me on ‘read’ and that is that

so i say this to you.. as a final thought before i close this chapter of my life and the end of my friendship with you. i remember you bitching that you don’t have a friends and that I’m awesome. and take this how you will, but maybe you don’t have friends because he is a childish asshole and you are blinded by the fact that he picked you and he might have possibly brainwashed you in believing you can do no better. but sweetie,, you are only 27 you are hot shit… you could do better.. but whatever. do what makes you happy. hope you read what i said and didn’t just blow it off as me being jealous. enjoy yourself and your ‘happy’ life.

sincerely
The girl who told the truth and got shitted on, or more like, the girl who had enough and spoke her mind….

 

Becca H ❤

Things that you should experience before you die (but don’t have to)

So yes I know I should of posted a post a few weeks ago but really I couldn’t muster up all the thoughts and stuff I had. some days it would of been amazing to write that letter, other days it would of been passive aggressive. lol so I decided to do this just a generic list of things that make me who I am today. I’ve seen may of lists of “20 things you should do before your 20” or “places to see before you die” and I decided that was a chance to this soo here you go

  1. Go on a cruise
    – they are fun and exciting, I went on 2 Disney cruises and I liked them a lot. it was interesting to see different parts of the world and be in a ship, experiencing the culture.
  2. Being yourself for once.
    – yes you read that right. its hard to be yourself sometimes. and sometimes when it feels like you’re being yourself you actually might not be. take a minute and even if its with just one other person and let go. even if it seems weird, it can help. it helped me become more outgoing.
  3. Get stood up (even if you don’t plan to be)
    – being stood up can suck. but it can help you figure out who you are. its going to suck I know. I’ve been there. but it also gives you a chance go out on your own. yes I know it doesn’t make you feel any better. but truth be told, it made me feel better about myself. granted he confessed that he “was to scared to go out with me” but hey it worked. made me feel a little better.
  4. Don’t let people walk all over you.
    -if you’re a slight pushover like me its hard to not let people walk all over me because I like to please everyone. and I hate it when people are mad at me. but it gets to a point where you feel walked on and at some point you have to say fuck them and do what you want. even if it makes people upset, but I mean hey do what you want. and you will be happier
  5. Get a friend that’s just as unstable as you are.
    – my best friend is my rock. she has anxiety and depression like me. and we are there for each other. I know its weird to think that it would work but it does. we understand each other. we know what the other one needs when it. unlike my other friends she actually understands that some days i would rather stay home instead of go out
  6. learn how to slow down for once.
    – life can be so fast and you got to remember to slow down for a second. if you don’t you can get caught stressing more than you think. which might cause you to go a little crazy and dye your hair  (that’s how i handle stress sometimes)
  7. Be patient with your friends who want to hang out but cancel.
    – friends are a blessing and a curse. they are fun to be around but getting there is an issue. whether its schedule conflicts, or the inability to communicate, its always hard for you to get together. but stay strong, and do what i do and don’t hope that it will happen, if it does great if not then plan for another day
  8. Cry
    – Yes its ok to cry sometimes. hell sometimes it just happens because you’ve held it in for so long. but just know that it can help you… it might just mess up your makeup (if you wear it) but hey getting that little emotional pressure out of the way can make a world of difference
  9. Deal with difficult co-workers (and not in the way that you think)
    – sometimes work can be stressful, especially when you have to deal with an annoying co-worker. I’m actually dealing with this one at my current job. hes to…. much…. to say the least some times you just need a break from them but you cant… you learn more about what you do and it helps you focus. even though they might just piss you the fuck off. but it helps with patients
  10. Get a job where the boss gets you
    – my job is one of those “dream jobs” i get to make my own hours, as long as i get the job done and get it done right. but there are those rare occasions where I do se eher at work. and it is amazing. she hears me and is fun to joke with. and there are times when we don’t speak and just work.
    And finally
  11. Just say “fuck it” and do wild things
    – literally what it says, go on an adventures, dye your hair, travel, fall in love do something you don’t usually do.  have fun and at least keep with you do legal

Believe in your strength
Becca H. ❤

Exercise is a bitch

yes you read the title right. I started exercising about 3ish weeks ago. and got a membership about 2 weeks ago. I know impressive right? haha not. so APPARETNLY when one such as my self, and my best friend from what she’s told me, it is completely normal to not feel like happy and shit after. It can actually make you more emotional, like really?!? when I worked out at home I didn’t notice that as much. but now that I’m actually going somewhere and working out its happened a lot more. I literally almost had a giant panic attack because my roommate is a messy slob… and doesn’t know how to live on his own… asshole. yeah it was bad and I was crying for like an hour. like if I knew that exercising would make me a giant pussy I wouldn’t do it and deal with the fact that I’ve gained 7 lbs since I was at the doctor last, which was about maybe 4 months ago and I had a doctors apt 4 weeks ago ish… I’m bad at timelines. whatever. well besides that I do feel a little better about myself, and the gym I go to has this thing called “total body enhancement” and tanning, ooh and hydrotherapy massage. so I use those when I’m there too so its not all bad. my anxieties aside I do enjoy going there, not a huge fan of leaving the house and dressing in those pesky workout cloths that are not used for lounging but ehh. overall I’ve been sleeping better and I feel some improvement, I think, lol. But of course my boyfriend bitches and says that I should have a diet to match this workout but I say meh. I’m not eating as much as it is so its kinda like going on a diet right??? pizza FTW!! lol

But anyway I’ve been toying with the idea of writing another “open letter” things to my best friend. but there are times I wanna be passive aggressive in it and I just haven’t tried or bothered to write it down and make it work. haha. but it should come out soon. possibly In the next few weeks or whatever. my first set of 8week classes end this wendsday  and I’m surprisingly not stressed. seeing that I have 2 projects, one paper and 3 tests and seeing that I only have 1 of the first two done, I’m actually pretty chill. shocker… meh. I’m almost done with another one and can easily bullshit one project, kinda, it should be easy. well wish me luck then. kinda felt like ranting and stopping my next post from being later than it should. lol have a good week all. be posting soon

 

Believe in your strength
Becca H ❤

More Book Writing

I didn’t realize its  been 23 days since I posted anything and I decided that wouldn’t fly. I’ve been writing a little more, although I’ve also been slacking… meh… lol lets hope its just as good as the last post. its more of a continuation because that’s as far as I’ve got.

here we go

       Jamie shutters at what she just saw… she looks at her notes… she rarely writes anything when Casiana is in the room…. She only jots down important problems… Today there were only two notes… nothing unusual the past few months… She pulls the door to her cabinet and pulls out Casiana’s file… its gotten bigger over the years… Only about an inch or so big by now…. she thumbs through the notes and looks at how much they both have changed, what they have talked about and what the plans were for the future… She laughs at one of the pages, Casiana had major trust issues and Jamie made her be her therapist and listen to what Jamie had to say, as an exercise… She adds todays notes and pushes it back into the cabinet….

Casiana finally makes it home. She hated taking the bus but didn’t trust walking, not anymore anyway. She closes the door behind her and is immediately greeted by her 25 lb pomski. She walks to the slider and opens it, and then the eager poof runs out the door. she watches the puppy jump happily around the back yard… she remembers what it was like before… before the pain before the torture… she shutters briefly… It feels like a dream every time she thinks about things before, like it never actually happened, like she was going to wake up and be stuck in that cold dark room again…

She gasps and opens here eyes. She’s staring at the ceiling. she shoots up and looks around… ‘I must of fainted again’ said mumbled to herself… she’s not sure how long she’d been out…. she looks at the clock.. ‘its only been 5 minutes’ she thought briefly sighing of relief… she then feels slight pressure on her bladder… she looks to. see her puppy standing and staring at her..

‘Alright. Rosie that’s enough… moms ok. go lay down…’ she says as she pushes Rosie off of her lap… she gets up slowly and proceeds to head to the living room. she stands in the entryway head spinning from the day. Thoughts and feelings rush through her head. she grips onto the wall trying to keep herself from falling again. she thinks about her therapy session, she feels her stomach turn remembering what she said, what happened. she sighs deeply shaking her head slightly….

She slowly makes her way to the couch, she sat down and pulled out a black notebook with gold pages and opened to where the red bookmark held its place. she took a deep breath and took a pen that was on the table. she took a deep breath and started writing, she kept a journal about every time she passed out, and what happened before it. she started tearing up and looked up. ‘it usually isn’t this painful’ she thought clenching the pen in her hand, ‘what is wrong with me’ she adjusted slightly and took a deep breath.. she finished her thoughts and quickly tucked the journal away.

She sits and knows that there is no other way, its better on paper than in her head. she grabs the remotes to her tv and xbox and turned on netflix. ‘something simple to keep my mind off of things’ she mumbled… ‘no… no… no… hell no…. fuck this…’  she sighed and settled for Supernatural, she’s watched this 100x but its always her go to… it reminds her that life could be worse.

She is shaken from her trance when her phone starts ringing. ‘ what the fuck’ she said. she picked it up to check who it is… unknown number…. she stares at it for a second and answers it… “hello?” she said with a shaky voice.

“Didn’t think I would find you did you?” a dark husky voice said over the line, it kinda sounded like the voice was being disguised but she recognized the voice all to well

“How the hell did you get this number?” she said with a stern voice with a hint of fear… she closed her eyes and hoped that he didn’t sense the fear

“hehe… that therapist of yours is very talkative, I see why you like her” he paused hoping to hear a response” but remember Bitch you’re mine. I will get you back”

She muted the phone and panted in fear.. why now? breathing heavily she calms herself and unmutes the phone… “I thought you were in jail…” she said trailing off

“You think a jail cell would keep me away from you?” he said gloatingly, like he was proud of it., “but I have once simple problem sweetie… I cant figure out where you live, the Doc doesn’t have your address anywhere at least anywhere at the office… be a dear and tell me where you live.”

Her breathing got heavier and she decided enough was enough, she hung up and quickly shut her phone off. she runs to the Bedroom and looks out the window.. frantically looking for any signs of him or his gang… she sighs briefly and backs away from the window. she walks over to her bed and reaches under her bed and grabs a spare phone. she knew one day this would happen so she always kept two phones around ‘ if there’s one thing that asshole was good for it was this’ she laughed to herself… she quickly opened the phone and started looking for Jamie’s number. ‘I have to make sure she’s ok… I would die if something happened because of me’  she shuddered at the thought and put the phone to her ear.

Well lets hope that was as good as the last one.. By birthday is tomorrow so I’m excited for that… haha have a good week

Believe in your strength ❤
Becca H

Titles are Boring

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL….. is it still socially acceptable to say that? … meh who cares.

Just thought I would just write shit. since my short mental break from school and  since I started writing this stuff I’ve not had any issues besides the spouts of depression here and there, which my therapist thinks its because of period timing (about 1 1/2 to 2 weeks before it starts is when hormones and stuff make us moody) but ehh. everyone is different I guess. I feel like the posts I’ve been putting here lately haven’t been as interesting or as heart felt. idk why… I guess mostly because I don’t have as many issues. and I feel like I’ve stretched the whole anxiety and depression stuff in almost every possible way… but here I am still posting every few weeks, when I remember or when I get a chance or think about something to write…

I’m almost done with my degree I just have this semester (about 5 classes or so) one more class then an internship. its a relief to hear and see that I am almost done but its also scary… but I’m not done. I want to finish my dream of being a vet. which I’ve wanted since I was a little girl, I just don’t feel right not doing it. I’m also working on starting a business. a bakery, type thing, don’t wanna spill to many details because I don’t know if anyone would steal it. its a work in progress to say the least, I’ve been wasting my time baking and finding the right fit so I can start actually getting my name licensed and start selling and what not. I think I’m going to start orders and delivering before I actually start at an actual place.  it might work… I guess I’m more stressed about that than everything else…. but I’ll get there.. hopefully…

Amongst other things all is well, life is as good as It can be for a 20 something in the start of 2017. personal life is better, I think I have been with friends more, which is good… I guess…  long story but I’m not a huge fan of my friends fiancé… he’s nice and all its just he…. how do I describe him….. here we go a schizophrenic 17 year old who just found out about memes and acts like he came up with it (kinda like Miley Cyrus and twerking a few years ago) but he’s not really 17 he’s more 27 ish and smokes weed somewhat constantly. which I have nothing against weed, but there is a thing called “too much”… and me (and my boyfriend) can really only handle him in small doses…. but he is always with my friend… so its not like I can just see her… for example. we had girls night… a few of her girlfriends and I got together and watched movies and what not.. and he was going to leave but didn’t and I swear the whole time he was staring at me…. and kept like getting uncomfortably close… it was just him and I in the apartment at one point and he says, out of nowhere mind you, ” I really wanna kiss you” LIKE DUDE DONT! I will NOT EVER do that to my friend. I don’t care if you ‘want’ to doesn’t mean I’m going to. but yeah ever since then I’ve just been ignoring him… as much as i can… which sadly means ignoring her…. I’m not necessarily happy about it but whatever.

As a briefly mentioned above, I do have a boyfriend. I don’t remember mentioning him but there I said it… haha… its only been about 5 months but as I stated in my previous blog “openish letter to the man who’s stealing my heart ” there’s something about him. and yes it is the same guy from that letter… funny thing he saw it… but I think that helped us get together…. but anyway… this is the part where I tell you i think he’s the one (which i low key do but I’m waiting it out). but dudes seriously, I cant tell the future, for all i know this could crash and burn shortly after I hit publish… lets hope not but still.  he makes me happy and keeps me sane and that’s all I can ask for ❤

alright I think over 730 words is more than enough… we can leave it here for a few weeks… Thank you all for everything, spare me a thought now and again or nah whatever…

Believe in your strength ❤

Becca H.